Do You Relate To This ?

My Personal Story is in the blog  archive links located in the right panel or just scroll down this page for the chapters

It begins with the blog entry for March 26, 2008

FOREWARD:

Anybody ever told you that you had a problem with alcohol or drugs ?

Did you ever tell yourself " this time will be different..I'll only have 2"..Only to find out different.

Happened almost all of the time ?

Did you ever try to stop on your own...using everything and all the will power you could muster...only to use again ?

Did the thought of drinking and using absolutely become an obsession...where that's all you thought about ?

When you ran out of drugs....which they ALWAYS RUN OUT..did you go through any length to get more ?

When you ran out...did panic ,fear,hopelessness and worthlessness set in ?...how about hopelessness.

Did you want it all just to go away ?...Only it never did...

Did you ever blame someone else for your drinking and using ?

Did something good EVER happen to you when a cop pulled up behind you while you were drunk or high ?

When you drank or used...where "they" everywhere you looked...all looking at you ?

Ever get a promotion because you showed up at work high...or missed too many days because you were "sick".

Forget where your car...if you had a car...was ?

Ever pawn everything you could find for "just one more" ?

How about lying, cheating and stealing for " just one more" ?

Ever get tired of being called a loser... a real loser going nowhere. ?

Did you notice that no threat at all...no judge..no wife...no kids..nobody or anything could stop you when you on a "mission"?

Did you think you were crazy and just hopeless up beyond hope... a real Jekyyl and Hyde...?

Did you just go into the pit of incomprehensible despair...knowing you could never stop ?

Ever thought that "if only this or that happened" ?

Get tired of your family and friends giving up on you ?

Get tired of moving because you blew it one more time ?

Did you ever think..."If only I didn't stop there" ?

Did sometime you really wanted to stay stopped....but couldn't.

Tried detox...treatments..hospitals..12 steps..only to fail again...and again...and again.

Ever get sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

After all of this you still wanted "just one more" ?

After all of this...you wanted to die...but didn't have the guts....and you still wanted "just one more" ?

Did the days turn into months and the months into years and finnally you didn't know what happened to all of the time ?

Wasted time ? What about all of that guilt and shame ? Just won't go away.

Tired of people telling you " you could stop if you wanted to" ?

Ever wanted to tell people your addiction and alcoholism were like" take a box of e-lax and eating a can of beans fo two days..try not HAVING to go to the bathroom...that's how I feel when I'm not using or drinking ?

When I was a kid...when people asked me..What do you want to be ? I didn't reply..."A real alcoholic and addict"

Been profiled in court...you know picked on ...they don't understand....and the probation departments with the drops....make you feel like a real human being. Lawyers...they don't know shit..prosecutors are assholes living in the burbs....no one cares.

Ever try to go to sleep when those birds are waking up...and people are going to work...and you ran out of drugs and alcohol..with no place to go...cold outside...your "friends" used your dope and took your money and left you with ten cents...now ...do you think that is real pressure and you really have a problem ?

Did you ever just cry out " God help me"....please....then wanted "just one more" ?

Did you ever think the real problem was everybody else...only to "feel" it could be you.

Have a hard time looking at yourself....or couldn't...or couldn't look anybody in the eye.?

What about the pain you caused others...more guilt and shame beyond imagination ?

Did you have a "high cost of living low" ?

Did you think you just were a really sick puppy and just wanted to give up ?

And then after all of this did you think " just one more".

Some one ever tell you you had a disease....an obsession of the mind and the phenemon of craving so powerful it is beyond human aid..absolute powerlessness...defeat ...utter complete defeat....incomprehensible demoralization

ME TOO......This is what this blog is about

Today I didn't have a drink or crack pipe to my mouth all day and I loved being sober....no jonesing..no paranoia...no being a slave to a substance ....I enjoyed the day instead of running..I want to stay sober.

It Began In Treatment..Chapter 1

Getting better for me began on 08/08/1988.

My first day in treatment in Memphis Tn....a 30 day residential facility where I initially surrendered and went in to get help. I wanted help. It had gotten so bad for me that, at the time, I didn't ever think it could have become worse....yet.

While there..I was introduced to the 12 step programs available to me and it was suggested that I attend these meetings and take these steps...I felt so much hope I cried. Although I couldn't figure out how this deal of recovery works, the people that worked there were recovering addicts and alcoholics..and they were happy and sober..some for over 20 years. Heck, I wasn't able to stay sober and clean any more than 30 days in the past 3 years.

It was also suggested that I hit my knees every morning and ask my God ( as I understood him).....to help keep me sober and clean and thank him at night.

Although skeptical..I complied because I remembered all of the pain I went through and knew I was beyond human aid.

It was suggested that my choices were ; A.) Continue to drink and use and eventually end up either in an institution ( where I was),jail, or die..OR .... B.) Pick up a toolkit of spiritual principles ( 12 steps) and practice them in all of my affairs.

After the board of directors that were running around in my mind debated...somehow B sounded better.

I complied with treatment....and I went to the meetings daily. I also met this man who said he was going to be my sponser. Now that was something I was not prepared for...but then I remembered the pain I went through.

Within the first 60 days of going to meetings...some with my friends from the treatment facility...4 people died because of alcohol and drugs that I knew...were these people at the meetings correct ?

My sponser took me through the first 8 steps and I felt hope and freedom....and I was sober.

My sponser became my confidant and friend like I never had before....all the bullshit that dug a hole in my gut started to go away and my new life sober was on its' way.

Sometimes spouses prefer that you use because they can control you...emotionally and monetarily..and my spouse was no different.

Although I had done the family great harm and put these people through hell on earth...it dawned on me " why is she still here "?.

I always thought she was sicker than me because she stayed with me through my using....even though I told her many times ..."take the kid and get out and run causee I can't stay stopped."

They have a 12 step program for spouses too...mine thought I was the whole problem so she wasw well .

Getting sober with a non treatable spouse ( alcoholism and addiction is a FAMILY disease I was told) can be hell on earth...but even my worse day in that house was better than the pain I went through....although I was reminded every day of what I had done in the past.

That's when my sponsor helped me the most...because he had gone through the same set of circumstances. He gave me hope and constantly helped me take care of myself....getting drunk or high would not make anything at home better.

Although I was clean..things around the house became quite bitter on both sides of the fence.

Counselors told me that if my spouse didn't get help...that statistics showed we would end up divorced....no way around it.

The yelling ...the guilt, shame and humiliation brought on by the onslought of terror from my spouse and her family told me I better get the hell out of there...but what about the child....plus I was comfortable with all of the shit that she was throwing for I knew of no other way to live than to be yelled at and told I was a piece of *&^%....I'm an addict and alcoholic....after awhile we get used to talk like this.

My sponsor kept helping through one emotional crisis after another.

I was so stubborn. I just wouldn't leave my kid...although she was getting sick of all of this too...only at the time I was too self centered at the time to care..

Meetings and more meetings...at meetings there is no chaos...just fellowship and help..

After 1.5 years of being clean and sober...my sponsor died of a heart attack.

The only best friend...real friend that I ever had in my life died.

God had a reason to take him...

More of my story later.....


Today, upon waking up, I hit my knees...asked God to keep me sober today. It feels good to go outside, look at the scenery, blue skies, and know that today I want to stay sober. Life is so different today. I've been through the houses...the Corvettes.. Jags.had 53 cars in my life...made big money...today I have a roof over my head...I can look at mountains,the ocean, have a quiet time with my Creator...know that I am just a whisp in time...know the difference between the spiritual and physical world....a saint...hell no...but for right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be...and it feels good.

Relapse So Soon...Chapter 2

After my sponsor died...and my music career as I knew it ended...Which by the way the career did a good job of feeding my ego and that perhaps I thought I was more important than I really was. However I loved the music...the creating...the excitement of a good show, but the disappointments, rejection and time that go along with it...it's a big sacrifice.

When I left the business there was a big hole as I had devoted most of my life to creating, writing, and producing music.

I got a straight job after the career ended and it put me into the "making money" routine of life again. Acceptance and people liking me were all associated with me making money...I thought. The more I made...the more important I felt...the more people liked me. That equation was the equation of my life then.

I relapsed..pure and simple. Although I used the excuses and reasons like " my sponsor died, my wife is a *&^%$, job stinks sucks etc..." I used.

Back to hell one more time...only worse. I would go back to meetings...stay sober for 30-45 days...then use again. This cycle went on for as long as I could.

The absolute tormentl I put my family through didn't matter.. It took an 8 ball and 4 scotches just to cut the grass..I thought this might be a problem again...but I went forward in my disease and backward in my life.

The legal problems began...busted twice for possession but got off on technicality, or someone else would take the hit because of who I was.

The spouse had to take a job to support us and the tension was really brewing.

I kept going to meetings where I would get hope. Got a new sponsor and stayed sober 6-7 months.

During this sober time...my spouse decided that she had enough of me and was planning her way out of here. I don't blame her. Took her long enough. My sponsor re-iterrated to me countless times that it was all my fault...that I should kiss the ground she walked on.

There was no way...one day I called him and said " you live with her cause I can't".

Those were some real bad times..sober, and there were some great times sober, especially with the new friends I met.

There's enough of guilt and shame that goes along with using. I used for a long time..it was going to take a long time to recover. Just because I was clean does not mean that everybody will like me...or think that I am someone special....doesn't work that way, but I didn't need to be reminded every day either.

I was not a nice person...nor did my personality earn me a " Spouse of the Year Award".

I thought I was possessed by a nasty demon that wouldn't let go....

More Later....


Today I hit my knees and asked God to keep me sober. It's a beautiful day and a miracle that I woke up sober. I want to be sober. Met some new people at the meetings that I go to and they are just like me...loving life for loving life...being free today from the bondage.

It's something to be happy and peaceful inside.

The money equation I had lived by for so many years has dissipated and I am happy with what I have...it's exactly what I need.

I'm creating music again.

There's hope that I might be able to go back to school so I can supplement my Social Security Income...but for right now...it's OK.

She Told Me Leave.... Chapter 3

I thought that this was my plight in life....that if only I had an understanding spouse that I wouldn't use anymore....why I was still young, good looking, educated ,and I wanted what I wanted then and now...only sooner.

Somewhere down the line I became a different person than the person my parents raised. I became a different person on the inside. If Id didn't do something "dubious"...I meant to.

One day the disease of addiction would have me in it's grips...and another day I would be fine. One day I would get manic as all get out , which might last whatever...followed by depression where I didn't want to do anything...period.

However..

I remember many good days with my child when I was sober...fishing, cheerleading practice, teaching her how to drive and mainly watching her grow up into a young teenager. We were real close. We had a common enemy...her mother.

Of course there was the time she found a crack pipe in my pocket also.

I got into a serious car accident while working this straigt job I had at the time...selling hardware to builder...me of all people..selling hardware,lighting fixtures and designing closets. My ego wouldn't stand for it..for by this time I had accomplished some feats in my music career that others would never get a chance to. And I knew I could do better...much better...only here I was selling hardware.

A VP of the company I had worked for was driving and I was a passenger..the company was self insured and because of the potential liability I posed...I had suffered a head injury...I was let go..so they say. The truth is is that I went on a binge for 2 days and that's why I got fired.

Shortly thereafter, my father was diagnosed with liver cancer. I took my child with me and went and spent his last summer on this earth with him in my hometown in the Midwest.

That was a special time in my life. I remained sober and finally got to know the man. We had a strange relationship...he was perfect and I was no where near even being in the ballgame. He really was a good man. Worked hard his whole life...and when he retired..in 6 months he died.

When he died...they carried him down from the bedroom in a plastic bag....imagine that.You work your whole (*(*^%# ....do everything right...pay off a modest house..finally retire and get carried away in a plastic bag.

So that's what happens to all of us.......a plastic bag...hard to believe..it seemed so unfair to me. What about all of this God stuff I heard about ? How could He allow this to happen to my father ?

Well, inside I completely snapped, and knew I wouldn't recover from this one....not only alcohol and drugs...but emotionally.

I did a good job of " being strong" and " being there for my family" but on the inside I was ^$(@#*) up. So much fear raged on.

What was I to do now....when I was in a jam..I could always talk to my father. I never liked what he had to say..but somehow I knew he was saying things to me for my best interest, only I wouldn't listen...or didn't want to listen.

When I arrived back to the southern town that I had made my home...things got worse.

Even when I was sober..my emotions were on a roller coaster ride like I can't ever explain.....all the while I was trying to keep it cool on the outside.

I got back in the music business and traveled around the country.

Didn't see much of the family. but the excitement of the shows and people lured me on, and helped me forget about the pain.

During a show, I was in control....people paid good money to see the show and I controlled what they heard..power..prestige...ego.

Worst part about it was, was that I was extremely good at what I did. Seems like most alkies and addicts are good at what they do....comes with the territory.

The traveling helped me forget about my father...the extra- marital affairs that come with show business helped me forget about my wife.

At this time in our relationship, I had been beaten to a pulp so bad that I became a shell of who I used to be.

Of course it was a matter of time that the lure of women, drugs, and alcohol had me over the barrel again...especially being 1500 miles away from my spouse. I had a knack of sobering up before the tour bus hit home...In my mind I wanted to fool everyone that I was OK...I didn't fool anybody but myself.

The thing was...back in the day...my drugs were more or less "free" and the people I was in business with in a recording studio in this Southern town owned a liquor distributorship...so the booze was free...even the women were free.

The people who in control were sometimes construed by the public as being of dubious character. Maybe it was because they were indicted in a 1064 page indictment...but then I was a felon who got busted by the feds for selling sample band-aids across state lines ...plus the stories I had heard made me feel important. What an ego, more important to me was that I got a chance to forget who I was.

I would work in the recording studio for days on end . Music, music, and more music. During one stretch I worked 7 years in a row without a day off...including all holidays. Sometimes I would even go into the studio after the family went to sleep.

It occur ed to me and my partner that perhaps we could increase our profit margin if we sold drugs in the studio to the musicians...why we both had marketing degrees...it made perfect sense. So we did.

One night..our dubious partner called and said the studio was going to be raided.

I immediately bought pepper and put it all over the building...when I was done I told my partner to flush the shit.

He said "heck no, let's snort it".

I said that's a lot of ounces to snort...he said no problem...we'll cut some out and call everybody we know and we'll have a party.

So we did exactly that...one heck of a party.

During this " party" I had mistaken a 16oz tumbler of bleach for wine...( we used bleach to test our purity) and I guzzled the bleach.

Not a good idea.

I still have physical problems in my stomach because of this.

After working with whom I thought was the best singer at the time...and being successful..I felt this absolute hate of myself for what my life had become. I had finally " arrived" and I hated myself.

I was using more drugs than ever now. My mind seemed to be centered on getting more drugs. What seemed to be fun at one time, began to turn almost into a "job" . It was very hard for me to create without drugs..especially marijuana and crack. I wouldn't even think of working without them. I mean I was successful and I thought it was impossible for me to create without the drugs. But the truth of the matter was that I wanted to get high..I LOVED getting high and making music...then I just loved getting HIGH.

After numerous awards and recognition, I walked away. Figured the only way was down from where I was. The drugs and alcohol were really taking a toll.

Even the most notorious rock bands in the world members would say to me , "man, you got a problem".

To make matters worse the situation around the house got so bad that I left ( depending on who's side you were on...either I left or I was thrown out)...but the truth of the matter was that I left and moved back to my hometown.

I left that Southern town with a pair of shorts,t-shirt and an old beater for a car......after 26 years.

More Later

Today...I hit my knees and asked God to please keep me sober. I'm in a new town now and, although I am happy with everything, because of my disability and the failure of my investments in the real estate market, my wife must work to support night shifts to support us We don't know how long we will be here...and I am sure this situation is taking a toll on her. Going to meetings, making new friends in my 12 step program and talking to my sponsor back home is a real blessing also. There are so many people to help me ...if I will just pick up the phone ..or go to a meeting. Today I want to stay sober.

Long Time Coming.... Chapter 4

It's about a 10 hour drive from the Southern town I was leaving to my Midwestern hometown.

This trip seemed like forever.

Thoughts of the past 26 years kept going through my head.

How did I end like this ?

I mean, I wasn't raised this way. My parents did the best they could. I was a good kid. I had a little bit of an anger problem growing up and wanted things my way...and if I didn't get them..after I fussed..I accepted it.

We were a close knit family. I loved all members of my family. I would do anything for them. Granted my father and I didn't get along all of the time....but I respected and loved him. He was a good man. I just thought he didn't have any fun.

The little boy in me never really grew up and everything to me was a game. I liked it that way because I wouldn't have to feel anything. Feelings scared me. Fear of acceptance and fear of being yelled at were behaviors I learned very early on in my life. Fear of being "found out" for something I had done wrong and being beat by the parents was extremely prevalant.
So I just gave up and became a good kid.
But I sure did learn how to lie about myself and not stand up for myself early on.
And I learned that playing games, piano, anything..was good for me. That's the way I stayed out of trouble.
At that time in history...you were either drafted for Vietnam or went to college.

I lost 6 friends from high school in Vietnam and I concluded after much research and soul searching that the war was a political nightmare going nowhere..that countless lives were being lost for nothing...and that because of this war our economy and certain companies that contributed greatly to the powers to be, were making a lot of money off this war.

When my friends came home from the war, they told me it was the most stupid thing they ever saw. Their commander would tell them to advance their position...they would win the battle...and after awhile..retreat and do the same thing over and over.

I concluded that college was better than fighting people that really were nasty in the first place, and that I can better help my country if I helped the potential soldiers going and the vets coming back...and to protest the government.

I wasn't into the hippie movement or anything...I just thought our government was in it for the money.

My father wanted me to learn a trade like he did...so I went to college in a warm climate.

I helped out with my war efforts and protests and defended people before the draft board. I represented my state in advising congress concerning the lottery. Potential was written all around me.

I drank alcohol with the guys and didn't like the room turning in circles when I went to bed. I didn't like the vomiting either. It was all or nothing...either I got drunk or I didn't drink.

One night I drank till I was drunk and that's when I met my first wife. Something about a boy from the north hearing that southern accent for the first time. It was different so I pursued her till we got married.....against her father's advice that "I should get the heck out of here and go back home cause his daughter was just like her mother"....and according to him the ol' lady didn't qualify for any marital awards.

My parents and family were equally upset with me for my choice...so it made sense to me to get married. I thought everyone was wrong about everything anyway...

After I worked my way through college. I procurred a job and had an excellent career right after college.
Man I remembered those days.We bought a nice house in the burbs..had cars...enough money to do what we wanted,belonged to a Country Club, played golf whenever I wanted, took flying lessons..and still...my marriage was on the rocks most of the time. The more I tried to please her...the worse it got.

When I would drink alcohol, even 2 scotches, right away I was classified as an alcoholic, she just didn't understand.

I took comfort in other women after 6 months into the marriage...and although I felt guilty and shameful, I felt a man has got to do what he has to do.

My job took me travelling through 4 states and I relished that time alone and put my energy into my career.

Took flying lessons in another state...golfed on the expense account...had first class dinners with clients...and with their secretaries. I was living life, alone....very alone.

The movie Serpico was big at the time...so I bought an English Sheepdog as a companion around the house.

I played the piano at home and was still writing music. I had my own music room with a grand piano...except almost everytime I would play the piano...I was told by my wife not to play.

To keep peace...I would play when she wasn't around. By this time she really didn't trust me, so she didn't leave me alone...kinda like a security german sheperd.

We accidentally had a child after 7 years of not trying and I must say that my child was and is everything to me.

When I found out I had a daughter...I immediately called my fater and said " dad, I have a gril, what the heck do I do now ?" He calmly said that I would figure it out.

I promised when I saw my daughter...that I would NEVER HIT her like my parents hit me...and that I would always allow her to speak her piece....and that no matter what,,,,she would not have to be afraid of telling me anything.

That is one thing I did in my life right.

After one year....I decided to go into the music business full time and quit my high paying job...no thinking...no planning it out...no nothing...just do it.

Certain things really go on in your head while you are driving alone with just you, yourself, and you...I have been so good at lying to myself that I believed the lies.

My first trip in the music business led to using cocaine for for the first time because "I had to stay awake"...using marijuana to "chill", and mixing that with alcohol and valium. Of course there were the female background singers to contend with and I fell in love with one...after using qualudes for the first time.

I moved in with her for six months.

There was no way I was going back.

We used a lot of drugs at the time....daily...but you know the usual....only after 5 PM...

I really didn't like cocaine at the beginning...made me nervous and numb...but I liked marijuana a lot....and valium...well...that to me was the bomb..especially with some scotch.

We had investors that had no idea what we were doing..and we were making good music.

One early morning I walked out of the studio to get some air and I found this guy literrally laying in the gutter in front of the studio. He had a guitar strap around his shoulder..but no guitar. He was no drunk...but more or less maitaining a drunk that probably had lasted years. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a royalty check for 23k from a publisher, pretty talented individual. We remained friends for years and even sobered up a few times.

We had a group of musicians and talent that played on countless of gold albums.

We were doing good. Had a future. Even built a second studio and offices.

Then, one day, a well dressed man came to my office and told me that once was the MGM's studio across town ownere wanted me and my crew over there instead of where we were at.

I told him he was nuts. He then proceeded to tell me the benefits of hooking up with his client. All I was to do was to re-design his studio and update it and we would get 50% ,plus full use of his contacts....free liquor..whatever.

I called my lawyer, told him who was in my office, and he told me to take the offer now.

The new partners would even take care of finding suitable renters for my 2 studios.

How could I go wrong ?

After 7 months of construction we were back in business making cutting edge music. Excpet the trend had changed and our "type" of music wasn't in demand. Project after project failed. We tried everything. Still failure.

Cocaine, marijuana, heroin,alcohol and women became the norm for the crew.

Finnally, we cut three projects that gave us hope...they were different, good and ahead of their time. Name acts began renting out our services and we were becoming known nationally again.

Our spec projects were deemed works of art. Surely the hard work had begun to pay off.

I was treated very weel by my new partners and liked them, although I thought sometimes this was too good to be true.

What went wrong ? I kept asking myself as I drove...then the tears began and I had to stop a few times.
Good old self-pity. It arises at the lowest point..but you know I really didn't have any remorse..just the attitude "never give up". After a few tears..it was back on the road.

How did I get from there to here ? It's a question that was haunting me and would consume me for at least 100 miles.

I went back to my wife and child. I missed my child...period..and after talking to my father about my plight in life..he thought I needed to pull in the reins a little.

The federal government busted me on mail fraud charges stemming from me selling sample band-aids across state lines and I now became a felon.

Within months, the studio became bankrupt because of the felony plus our main client decided not to pay and my partner snorted up the rest of the money. The main investors got mad and pulled the plug.

A while back I took out a second mortgage from the bank on our house to finance some recording projects that were a "sure hit"...which flopped.Now the bank wanted their money. Everyone wanted money....and I didn't have any.

I failed miserably.


More Later..


Today I asked God to keep me clean and sober. I don't regret the past, because I feel that no matter how far down the scale I've gone, I might be able to help another addict-alcoholic. I don't I've used anymore than anyone else...or that I have a tragic story which helps me to feel sorry for myself. Today I am sober. I couldn't say that awhile ago. Today I want to stay sober. Many people helped me find God as I understand Him. It is only by His power that I am able to write or share my story with anybody. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Getting It All Straight.... Chapter 5

I thought I might have a problem with drugs...crack for sure..alcohol not really..marijuana..naw.

I recounted my first attempt at recovery in the Southern town.

I was on a binge...three or four days...I ended up pawning everything I could find, including my wedding band.

The fear of stopping...of the drugs running out...I just tried everything I knew to get more.

The guilt and shame of my failure as a human being I didn't want to face, the only way I could avoid it was to stay high.

How could I do this to myself again ? I had told everybody that I wouldn't !! I was strong ! I could lick this .

Time and time again, my wifes' family thought I was piece of &(*&^, that I was a loser. I hated them. Didin't they realize what I had done for THEM financially in the past ? How dare they.

I wanted to stay stopped with all of my might. I wanted to "show them".

I moved to a different area of the city...I ate a different diet..I attended a Baptist Church and had the hands on me treatment to expel the devil...I worked out..hung around different people..looked for different things to keep my mind occupied.

No matter what I did, I couldn't stay stopped for longer than a few weeks or months.

It seemed like I just HAD to get high on crack.

I cashed in the bonds for my child's education.

I gave away rights to songs I wrote for crack. I let drug dealers use the family car.

I got beat up by the dealers for harassing them for more.

Finally, during this binge, my drug dealers got fed up with me...got me a sleazy hotel room...GAVE me some dope..and then put a loaded gun on the bed...

When the drugs ran out...which they would...they informed me that there would be no more..period...hence the gun.

The drugs ran out and I stared at that gun for what seems like an eternity.

I got up and looked at myself in the mirror.

Up four days...eyes sunken in....45 lbs under my normal weight..Haven't eaten anything in four days...lips burned from the crack pipe...hands burned and blackened...I smelled and my shirts had burn holes in them.

The gun was an option, and a damned good one.

The thought of my family didn't enter into my mind while I was on this binge...I just wanted more. Where was my will and strenght. I had NONE.

Now..the drugs were gone...everything worth any money was gone. Even the drug dealers wouldn't sell to me anymore.

I had nowhere to turn...the gun or going on jonesing for more drugs.

Driving along the highway back to the Midwestern city that was my home that I grew up in..I couldn't help but think of the things that happened to me in the southern town. Strange when you're alone where your thinking will take you.

Borrowing money from my best friends at 3 AM , lying to them so I could get more crack. Driving around in sordid places looking for the dealers....only to get ripped off...again and again.

The absolute desperation, fear of running out, the guilt and shame.

The look in my child's eyes when her "daddy" would finally come home.

The time when I got busted for possession and my neighbor took the rap.

All of the people that tried to help me...and I ended up looking at a loaded gun.

I picked it up...played around with it a little...it was pretty heavy...but not as heavy as I was thinking.

My mind was racing...should I do it ?? Pull the trigger..it would end all...nothing more to fight..no more pain...I hated myself and what I had become anyway..there was nothing to live for..everyone I knew hated me...didn't want me around them....I didn't have a job anymore...everything I had worked for was gone...including me. How could I face anybody anymore ?? They knew I was lying.

I lied and cheated and connived from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep.

My wife hated me..she was sick of me. My child's "daddy" was gone.

Man that gun looked good.

I don't know really what happened, I had said "God help me" so many times that I gave up hope.

Why I even contributed to Rev. Tilton on TV and put my hands on the TV to get "saved" from this disease.

So my belief in God was just not there anymore. God had better things to do than to worry about me.

I went back to the mirror and looked at myself again..for whatever reason I said "God help me"...

The gun looked better after 15 more minutes cause I didn't get help. obviously my beleif in God was right..He had other things to do and furthermore how was He going to remedy this situation ?....and my body was hurting mand it was hutrting...let alone my mind going crazy.

I made a few calls to friends to come and get me...they had enough of me.

My wife had enough of me..however her sister was studying to be a counselor so my wife got in touch with her sister and she agreed to come and get me....provided I agreed to get some professional help.

I couldn't understand her cause she was married to a drunk and pothead herself..a rich one that got lucky in business..but still...why would I have to get help ??? What about him ? The only difference between me and him is that he drank his ass off and couldn't go anywhere cause he was drunk and didn't care cause he had all the money anyway.

To save money, he grew pot. I didn't grow anything...I just smoked it.

I just needed to get out of here, get some food, a shower, some sleep and I would be fine.

No deal unless I went to a treatment center.

I told her how could I go when I blew all the money and had no insurance...

She had found a place and told me that if they accepted me...that she would pay for it.

You know, that was a tough decision for me. Shoot myself or get help.

She talked me down of the idea of shooting myself and within minutes she was there to pick me up and transport me to my first treatment facility.

I couldn't believe it...my sister-in-law was the only one who understood what I really needed. Hlep.

As I was driving home and looking at the flatland and farms..I recalled that "treatment" experience.

They first told me 30 days...I said you're nuts..then they said you can leave anytime you want. I agreed to that.

They accepted me after a lengthy interview and my diagnosis was a crack addict, AND ALCOHOLIC. Crack yeah...but me any alcoholic...I only drank when I wasn't using..and I didn't like the taste or the hangovers associated with any alcoholic beverage, so I couldn't possibly accept the fact that I was an alcoholic...no (*&(&(*& %$&* way.

They gave me a book called Alcoholics Anonymous...told me to read it and everywhere I saw the word Alcohol in the book, I should substitute crack.

I interjected my opinion that I think that perhaps a pill or joint would work better on me than a book.

Then this man who was to become my first sponsor told me his story...nothing more. He was a real heroin and crack addict. Killed a lot of people over drugs, been wanted in over 40 states for drug related crimes and distribution..he worked part-time as a dealer to support his full time addiction. He was sober 17 years when I met him on 08/08/1988. That man was clean.. and you knew it..and you can tell there was something about him....some peace within. He went on to tell me that he eventually got a pardon for the crimes he committed..after serving some time. His whole story was an incredible transformation from a menace to society and himself to now helping others....and He didn't WANT ANYTHING from ME. That was odd.

He simply told me to read the book and to listen, nothing more. What did I have to loose. Nothing else worked.

Of course I had told him that my problems stemmed from my wife. That she was a %&^% and basically hated me and the horse I road in on.

He simply listened, smiled and said "read the book and listen"

I started reading the book....something happened. This book had me all over it. This book explained EXACTLY what I was going through...and that was in the PREFACE to the book.....the obsession of the mind...the phenonmen of craving...why that was ME!! So that is what is happening to me. I have a disease just like somebody has diabetes,,,only there is no shot to take...well how does this thing work ?

The book went on to explain some steps I have to take to stay stopped. They looked strange...I figured that those steps were probably meant for somebody else...but this obsession and craving...now this is me.

I went to meetings, like 3-4 a day in treatment and kept my mouth shut. The people that came in from the outside..AA's they called themselves were laughing..yet some of their stories sounded just like mine, and they were clean.

I had hope. Real hope and I just knew that I would stay clean and sober. I would sit there and count how old I would be when I had 30 years of clean time.

My wife and child came to visit me on visiting days and the counselors got a hold of her real fast and told her she should start getting help for herself...that this was a family disease. Of course she knew better and said it was my problem.

When I was released after 45 days, I felt great. The counselors informed me that if my spouse did not receive help...that the chances of our marriage staying together were slim and none....that in their opinion...she was a pretty sick puppy. I really didn't believe them...I was clean..was going to stay clean and that was our main problem.

Immediately when I was released from treatment, I went to meetings and I even called my sponsor.

Since I had a car...I would pick up some people I was in treatment with and take them to meetings. Within a week, one of them relapsed and died of an overdose. Another one died in 3 weeks ....he relapsed...got drunk and drove his car into a telephone pole going 70MPH.

I went to more meetings. I was sober 11 months...now that WAS unbelieveable...how could that be ???

However, things at home weren't any better. I was reminded of the past deeds and the ruin that my family was in because of my actions....sometimes daily,,,and the silent treatment sometimes for weeks on end.

I thought that in the best interest of my child...I should stay married anyway and just gut it out...that time heals pain and that somehow I would financially rebuild the family and THEN she would be happy again.

Traveling through the flatlands of the midwest I wondered if these people had the same problems ??

What a simple life they led...farming..church. family...looks like that's all there was to do. Ahh...the American Dream.

Wasn't that way for me.

Then I began thinking about what happened for me to get from being sober to going home a wrecked person.

After a while, my meetings dropped and the calls to my sponsor strted declining.

My home life was deterioating quickly and arguments were the norm. It was ALWAYS my fault for EVERYTHING..which some people said was true " if only I didn't do this" .."if only I had said this" if..if...if I.boy I still am sick of those words.

However in retrospect I was used to being a victim. I could blame others and self destruct in peace.

The obsession to use started very slowly...it wasn't on obsession to say...I just knew that SOMEDAY..I would use again..then the thought went away and I would stay clean. That thought scared the hell out of me.

It might take 3 months again...but the same thought came back...I would use again SOMEDAY...then the frequency of the thought came daily, hourly and THEN the obsession kicked in.

All of a sudden, my brain was telling me that "this time will be different". We'll just do a "little" and call it quits before anybody found out....that this obsession must be releived or I'll go nuts....I couldn't think of anything but the thrill of using...not the end result " because this time it will be different" but the thrill of the first bump.

One afternoon, I had about a three hour window where I wasn't supposed to be anywhere. I went to a meeting...but my mind was not on the meeting..it was on using..I didn't let anybody know...and as soon as that meeting was over...I used.

And this time it WAS different....I only used a "little" ( probably because I only had a "little money")

The next day was normal...nobody found out..and I wasn't telling anybody, especially the people at the meetings.

This lasted about one week...the thought of doing it again seemed so logical....I did it and no one found out...so what the hell....I got paid...I'll get a room and hang out for 3 hours again instead of going to a meeting. I'll tell the wife that I'm going to a meeting and coffee afterwards and my butt is covered. Absolutely no defense AT ALL against the thought.

I went through the routine...get the pipe, dope ,and room. Only this time the craving set in like I never felt before.
I knew I was in trouble again. Soon all of my money was gone..the time on the hotel was up and since I let the dope dealers use my car for 2 hours for some dope, I had to walk....and it was cold. To stay warm...I huddled under the dryer vents of a laundrymat.

Maybe those AA's were right afterall...maybe those steps were for me I had thought.

I finally arrived home to a welcome party given to me, by my wife, in my honor.

It was not pleasant. On top of that my sponsor did not want to work with me anymore because I didn't call him BEFORE I used. I told him why should I do that...you would have talked me out of it and I WANTED to use.

I immediately went to meetings again and met the best human being I have met up to then and asked him to be my sponsor. He agreed...within a week I had another skid..I again called him at 5 AM...and something strange happened...he didn't yell at me. He picked me up...went for breakfast...talked for hours about what happened and went to a meeting.

We started my journey on the steps and I was feeling good about MYSELF.

The home situation was deteriorating to the point of it being unbearable...but he had gone through the same trials..he had been divorced and remarried..all while maintaining his sobriety.

We spent every spare moment we had helping drunks and addicts. We would go to their homes, hospitals, and talk with them. I didn't think of me anymore...I was staying clean by helping others. I don't know how...but I was happy inside.

I started writing music again at home, I started playing golf again, fishing again, having a relationship with my daughter.So what if the wife still maintained her (*&(&* attitude...she was sick and she deserved the chance to get well too...thats what CT said and I believed him...However I started to set some of my own boundaries...for the first time and to say the least it wasn't easy, and it took a lot of practice. It didn't work.

CT died unexpectedly in MS. helping another drunk.

I lost it..after his funeral his wife had me come over to his house and get his clothes and whatever I wanted that belonged to him ..he had told her that I was his favorite " pidgeon".

I completely destroyed myself and self destructed and went on the skids again.

This time I ended up in a hospital because of the amount of checmicals I put into my system.

When I was released from their treatment program and was welcomed home again by my private welcoming committee that knew exactly what to say and when to say it...I lived at meetings again and picked up a former drill sargeant Navy guy for my sponsor.

I thought that I might need to gain a little more structure. It worked for awhile.

He was a firm believer that EVERYTHING wrong in my relationships were MY FAULT...period. I couldn't understand that concept.

One day, after a normal argument after dinner where it was pointed out to me that I was the cause of all of my wife's misery, I called my sponsor up and...let HIM listen to this abuse and told him to come here and "you live with this $#)%$*& cause I'm not."

Right after that, I went out and used again...and things got worse again.

I ended up in a pysch ward of the county hospital because I told the police I wanted to die and I was hearing voices.

Not good...

Psych wards and the police did not understand that I just wanted attention.....

They worked it out with my sister in the midwest that they would let me out if I would please leave the state and not return...for awhile at least.

Thank God for my sister....which is where I am heading now.

________________________________________________________________________

Today a miracle happened..I woke up and I didn't have to take a drink...nor hit the pipe or put anything in my viens. Today...and just for today I do not have to hurt, lie cheat or steal from anyone. Today I can enjoy the gift of life and the gifts of nature and the most important gift ever given to me...for one day..I am clean and sober.

Finally Made It..... Chapter 6

At the time I didn't know the significance of "God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself", but somehow I made it to my sister's house in the Midwest.

She is my older sister and I considered her the only person in the world that I could talk to and not get judged. More than that she had unconditional love and she "knew" the deal of pain and emptiness that an addict has without being an addict herself. She knew me.
We talked and it was decided for me that the best place for me to go and get my life together would be my mother's house. That's were I went.

My mother lived alone and at first she took me to meetings and waited. Of course I took that for granted at first....then I realized that my mother was really trying to help me with my addiction.

When I was growing up I guess you could say that I was a "mamas boy" . Don't really know why. She had high expectations of me and I really didn't feel like I measured up to them. To make matters worse I know I didn't measure up to my father's expectations of me...Lord knows I tried, or at least felt like I needed to measure up to both of their expectations. I had to deal, and am dealing with a lot of problems because of that. Low self-esteem....ahh the killer...the big excuse...low self esteem. But I truly felt like a piece of ^((**& most of the time in the Midwest or around my family.

To make matters worse for me, I came back a broken man with broken dreams. The" big shot "was absolutely a broken man in every sense of the word, and instead of being completely homeless with no job, no prospects of getting a job, an addict, a felon, my mother and family embraced me and took me in.

I went to meetings, and meetings and more meetings and I stayed sober, made new friends and SLOWLY began to FEEL different.

I remember walking up the stairs to the 12 step club that I first wen to too and the words " You're Not Alone Anymore" were staring me in the eye. I've seen that saying before...but this time it felt good.

Besides going to meetings, my life was getting better. My younger brother sold me his car and arranged a loan for me. I felt welcomed at his house and my sisters' house and I spent many hours there playing with my nephews nieces. I wasn't judged and the thought of using went away. I had no desire. Gone. I was free and it felt good. I started to get involved in the 12 step programs more and eventually was aked to speak at other clubs. I was helping others and not thinking of myself. Only an addict can understand the word "free" from the bondage of the thought of using again.

During this time, the Southern Belle that I was still married to was communicating with me again. Was there a chance of being with my wife and daughter again ?

Would I even THINK of it after what I had been through. Of course I would. I would make a few trips south to test the waters and see my daughter. I missed my daughter so much. She didn't get to know her father sober and clean...and I didn't appreciate her and her needs and her life and everything else that goes along being a father. The wife was luke cold to luke warm to the idea. She was " different".

A year went by and I was still sober and clean. Truly a miracle.

One day speaking at a club in the city, I made mention of my musical past. After I spoke, someone came up to me and suggested that I go to a meeting of recovering artists of all kinds. I'll never forget it. He said the meeting was on Sundays at 10:30 PM . Why that is such a perfect time for a musician.

I expanded my meetings and started to attend the artist meeting on Sunday.

One night someone came up to me and again suggested that I get some music equipment and start writing again.

I told him that it was impossible because of the cost of the equipment that I needed to accomplish this. He said at least TRY. I simply told him that I would keep it in mind.

It was snowing one day, and the job I had gave me a little freedom to run errands if I needed to, and on this particular day decided to go to the music store "just to look" . On top of that it was snowing and business was slow, so why not.

Before I went into the store...I said " Ok God, I'll try it".

I went into the store and touched a keyboard and instantly I knew how bad I missed the music. I looked at the equipment that I needed and priced it out. It was $ 3,000 to get started. It could have been a million because I didn't have any money.

I got in the car and start yelling at God. Got my hopes up for nothing. No money, no credit, absolutely no chance of getting the equipment.

There it was again. NO hope.

But something different happened this time. I didn't get loaded. Instead I went home.

Then another miracle happened.

My mother told me that my daughter had sent me letter.

I opened it up and she wrote me something like this " Dad, Mom throws your mail away. This looked important to me so I grabbed it out of the garbage ".

It was from Japan. I opened up the letter and a company in Japan wanted to license some masters (music) that I owned for distribution in Japan. They were going to pay me $3,000 now and royalties.

Now that is a miracle. This was no coincidence...no way.

I put the money in a CD...borrowed against the CD...to build my credit up and went and bought the equipment and started writing. You talk about feeling good.

It was the first time I was writing music sober and I was VERY concerned that I couldn't do it. Not only did I do it...I liked the music better..it was calm and soothing and it was flowing. Again another miracle.

I was still in contact with my sponsor in the south, and with my wife and my child.

My wife decided that IF I came back down there...she was willing to "date" me and I would have to get my own place, and that is as far as she would go.

To me it was better than nothing, besides I would see my child, and I knew that I could reconcile with my wife.

Against everyone in my family telling me that this was a huge mistake to even THINK of going back after what I've been through...I decided that I needed to give one more try...sober.

I packed up and went south...again.

I got a job as an advertising director for a fishing magazine within a week. I lived in an apartment behind my sponsor.

I went to meetings and I got to see my daughter and my wife.

I lived alone which I thought would be alright..but it wasn't. I talked to my wife and child on the phone everyday...but I couldn't see them when I wanted to.

My wife was now working for my brother-in-law, who was extremely rich having developed some patents on some medicine.

I was there about 2 months and only had "one date" with my wife....and absolutely no sex...that was out of the question.

I expressed my feelings that I wanted to try and reconcile this marriage and get a chance to see her more.

My daughter had indicated to me that my wife generally wasn't home on the weekend nights and my jealousy started to get in the way...I would tell myself that she wasn't seeing anybody else....why would she agree to try and reconcile and want me to come back if she was seeing another man ??? It didn't make any sense. When confronted by me she just said that she went out with the girls....that she needed space.

Me... I began to think this was b&(&&&, I gave up everything up north to come down here to " date "my wife....and on these " dates" all she talked about was her job and my brother-in-law. I was getting upset.

I went to more meetings and talked to my friends a lot.

Thank God I had my music equipment. I wrote music, went to meetings,stayed sober and clean.

My best friend while I was in the music business went on to be a Mortgage Broker in New York.

While talking to him one night, he suggested that I should go into the business with him and start a branch office in the south. My first thought was that I could now compete with my brother-in-law in the money thing....because I went to New York the previous year to visit and my friend was doing extremely well....rich as a matter of fact. Big house, big boat, Mercedes, all of it...in New York. This was just what I needed to get financially secure and put my marriage back together.

He came down and we talked and set up plans.The future looked bright. Surely my wife would reconcile and know that I am a changed man now....and soon to be with money...which was very important to her. How can she turn me down ?

My "dating" privileges escalated a little when I told her about my plans. She knew that I had "potential" to make a lot of money.

Simply put, I was frustrated that we were not together.

And then it happened.

I got to spend the night with her. In the morning she said she had decided that she was getting a divorce and she thanked me for spending the night with her...that spending the night with her made it clear she wanted a divorce and she would go on to pursue my brother-in-law.....who was married.

I was devastated. No words that I can think of can describe what I felt. I just wanted to check out of here.

I went to score. I knew not to...I knew it would mess me up more...but I did it anyway because I wanted relief NOW.

I tried to OD but it didn't work. I mean I tried. Then I remembered that Klonopin mixed with crack should do it.

I spent all of my money on crack...and I planned the last hit would be the one for me to check out...permanently.

I had nothing else to live for.....I got me a bottle of Klonopin, and finally the last BIG hit time came.

I took 30 pills...put a HUGE rock on the pipe and did it. I fell on my bed and started crying out loud and semi-convulsing. My body started to shake and hurt. I really did it this time....then I go scared cause I Knew I did it...

I called 911 and passed out. I woke up in the hospital and the Dr. asked me what I was trying to do... I told him that I was checking out of here because of my divorce.

They put me in a psych ward. I was a mess.

After a few days I called my sister and told her what had happened and she got me out of there provided I immediately packed up, stay clean, and come north and check into a hospital that she arranged for me.

I was on my way again up north. This time .....worse off than the last time.

____________________________________________________________

When I write this story...the " one more attempt" " this time will be different" insanity of my disease becomes so much more evident to me than ever before, I have sought and participated in that thinking for years....do goo...self destruct...I can do it again...it seems like no matter how much trouble or difficulties I put myuself in because of my addictions, I just want one more. Today, I am a miracle for I have not had a drink ,nor did I smoke crack, steal, cheated , or gambled.

"Home Again" Part 2 Chapter 7

I left the south again...determined never to come back. Somehow I made it to my sister's house. I don't remember too much about the drive back this time other than I was crying alot. I called my sister many times during that trip. Thank God she was there for me. She told me that when I made it to her house that she had a Dr. lined up for me and that I would be OK.

When I got to her house...the guilt and shame of my failures became too much for me and I had a nervous breakdown and had to be taken to the hospital. If you've never had a nervous breakdown..they're not fun.

I woke up in the hospital after being sedated and after a few days the Dr. came to interview me. She ordered a battery of tests that were concentrated on my thinking. I did a lot of tests...seemed like forever.

The Dr. told me that I had a mental disorder...that's all I needed to hear...of course I had a mental problem...I used crack even when I knew it would kill me...I couldn't stop when I started...what a genius I thought.

She explained that my mental disorder was called manic depressive and that there was no way in hell I would ever stay sober unless the manic depressive disorder was arrested.

What a relief. I thought I found the complete answer to all of my problems. So THAT what was happening to me all along. I HAD to treat two diseases. It made sense to me because nothing else worked.

I was in the hospital for 30 days while they administered Lithium. I didn't feel any different...except that I seemed more focused and relaxed in my thinking...I didn't have the drastic "ups" and "downs" I experienced before.

I met with a great Psychologist that worked with the Psychiatrist and those two worked very hard to help me...and I was very willing to be helped.

I felt and knew the meaning of hope. Meetings were held in the hospital and I soon found myself willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober and lick this thing...no more crack or cocaine for me...the desire was gone and I was free.

Out of the hospital and living with my mother again..I pursued my solo music career and found myself writing music again. I also became a branch manager of a mortgage broker firm and had an office in the same building my brother had his office.

Man I had it made. I would visit my brother and slowly our relationship was great. I hired my sister-in-law to handle the office and my nephew to learn the trade. I got my own apartment on a lake..got a boat... a car,first a Camaro, and then a Corvette, went to visit my daughter down South and didn't care what the ex did anymore. I could care less about her.

I was finnally able to be a father for my child and we had fun together. She would spend the summers with me and on her 16th birthday I was able to buy her a car...on her 17th birthday I bought her another car...and on her 18th birthday I bought her another car...and on her 19th birthday another car...she liked cars.

What a good kid...she worked..went on to pay her own way in college and graduated. I do not take any credit for what she did..I probably did more harm than good..but she is a tough cookie.

I was off crack...what a miracle. Freedom and I knew it. I knew I had it licked this time.

The past didn't matter to me anymore..I went fishing when I wanted to...golfed when I wanted to...ahd a very successful enterprise and by golly people actually liked me. Why my family even invited me over..in fact my brother-in-law even talked to me..

I went regularly to the Dr. for therapy and after 3 years of meetings slowly disassociated myself from the AA meetings, the CODA meetings, the Al-Anon meetings that I had attended regularly for over 3 years.

One day...out of the blue...( this is important)..driving downtown in my Vette to pick up a friend from AA...the "thought" occurred to me that my problem in Memphis with Crack would not be a problem if it never ran out...that I didn't have enough of money...THAT was the problem...NOT enough of money...and now I had LOTS of money.

WOW...where did that thought come from...it went away as I drove and it was another 4 years before the thought came back.

My life was so good off of crack. I was following Drs. orders and taking my meds on time. No crack for me.

I came up with new marketing ideas for the company and the money was rolling in pretty good..considering my past.

Somewhere..I was really getting busy..and something had to go from my schedule...since I was clean and thought I was cured...I stopped all meetings and just took my meds.

At first no big deal...about six months later I met this Polish girl who was a bartender and had a glass of wine. No big deal.

After a while...I smoked a joint with a customer..at first no big deal..but then I eventually smoked pot like cigarettes...one before coffee...one on the way to work. one at coffee break...one at lunch...one on the way home...two at night and oblivion.

I threw in drinking scotch (only two a night) for good measure since the bar was across the street and I didn't have to drive,...therefore guaranteeing me sleeping, and not getting a DUI.

I controlled it so well...high dollar cologne, great mouthwash and great performance on the job making other people money...and NO DESIRE for CRACK..even drunk...NOW I really had it made...finally I hit the jackpot...how could life get any better ?

I had the PERFECT MIX...pot, scotch...fishing...golfing...music...money and a Corvette with a pad on the lake with a boat on at the dock. I never really made a complete fool out of myself drinking becuase I couldn't stand to lay down and the room spinning around...and since I was making money...who was to stop me anyway ?

I knew I was a crack addict...but not an alcoholic....pothead was out of the question...I knew I "could" stop...but why ? I was having fun and nobody was on my rear end.

After a while the two scotches a night became 4 and then 5...almost every night....except when I needed to be "sharp" the next day...like smoking 6 joints a day would make someone "sharp"...but that's how my mind worked.

All the while I was taking Lithium on time...no problem there cause I thought it was saving my butt from crack.

Oh...addcition is so patient.

The reality of the situation is that from the time I took that first glass of wine the following events occurred from the decisions I made under the influence of alcohol and pot.

A.) I married the Polish girl because she needed a green card to stay in the U.S. and I needed companionship and she had perfect credit and mine was shot to hell. My plan was to use her and she would get what she wanted and I got what I wanted...a Corvette

B.) I had an affair with an employee who later sued the firm for sexual harrasment and our firm had to pay a hefty sum of money.

C.) I chose to cheat my clients by not treating them fair in order to keep up my lifestyle.

D.) I eventually ruined the office and business because of drugs and alcohol.

All the while I thought I was invincible. I could do whatever I wanted to...whenever I wanted to...and on the same day be the most laid back..charming individual who had no problems.

I was running from me...trying to get over me..all the time. I hated me...

And then it happened...we'll turn the page here.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So many good things happen to you when you are in recovery...for real. The lying..cheating...jekyl and hyde eventually dissapate when the 12 steps are taken and practiced.

No matter what one has done because of addiction...someone..somewhere has done the same or worse..and a sense of healing begins when the connectivity begins.

Today I haven't used....went to a great meeting and although times are difficult to the point of not knowing where the next meal is coming from...I am compelled to share my troubles, hope and faith with others...which in turn is helping me stay sober today.

Maybe I could help somebody today. At least the effort was made.

Turn the page