My Personal Story is in the blog archive links located in the right panel or just scroll down this page for the chapters
It begins with the blog entry for March 26, 2008
FOREWARD:
Anybody ever told you that you had a problem with alcohol or drugs ?
Did you ever tell yourself " this time will be different..I'll only have 2"..Only to find out different.
Happened almost all of the time ?
Did you ever try to stop on your own...using everything and all the will power you could muster...only to use again ?
Did the thought of drinking and using absolutely become an obsession...where that's all you thought about ?
When you ran out of drugs....which they ALWAYS RUN OUT..did you go through any length to get more ?
When you ran out...did panic ,fear,hopelessness and worthlessness set in ?...how about hopelessness.
Did you want it all just to go away ?...Only it never did...
Did you ever blame someone else for your drinking and using ?
Did something good EVER happen to you when a cop pulled up behind you while you were drunk or high ?
When you drank or used...where "they" everywhere you looked...all looking at you ?
Ever get a promotion because you showed up at work high...or missed too many days because you were "sick".
Forget where your car...if you had a car...was ?
Ever pawn everything you could find for "just one more" ?
How about lying, cheating and stealing for " just one more" ?
Ever get tired of being called a loser... a real loser going nowhere. ?
Did you notice that no threat at all...no judge..no wife...no kids..nobody or anything could stop you when you on a "mission"?
Did you think you were crazy and just hopeless up beyond hope... a real Jekyyl and Hyde...?
Did you just go into the pit of incomprehensible despair...knowing you could never stop ?
Ever thought that "if only this or that happened" ?
Get tired of your family and friends giving up on you ?
Get tired of moving because you blew it one more time ?
Did you ever think..."If only I didn't stop there" ?
Did sometime you really wanted to stay stopped....but couldn't.
Tried detox...treatments..hospitals..12 steps..only to fail again...and again...and again.
Ever get sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
After all of this you still wanted "just one more" ?
After all of this...you wanted to die...but didn't have the guts....and you still wanted "just one more" ?
Did the days turn into months and the months into years and finnally you didn't know what happened to all of the time ?
Wasted time ? What about all of that guilt and shame ? Just won't go away.
Tired of people telling you " you could stop if you wanted to" ?
Ever wanted to tell people your addiction and alcoholism were like" take a box of e-lax and eating a can of beans fo two days..try not HAVING to go to the bathroom...that's how I feel when I'm not using or drinking ?
When I was a kid...when people asked me..What do you want to be ? I didn't reply..."A real alcoholic and addict"
Been profiled in court...you know picked on ...they don't understand....and the probation departments with the drops....make you feel like a real human being. Lawyers...they don't know shit..prosecutors are assholes living in the burbs....no one cares.
Ever try to go to sleep when those birds are waking up...and people are going to work...and you ran out of drugs and alcohol..with no place to go...cold outside...your "friends" used your dope and took your money and left you with ten cents...now ...do you think that is real pressure and you really have a problem ?
Did you ever just cry out " God help me"....please....then wanted "just one more" ?
Did you ever think the real problem was everybody else...only to "feel" it could be you.
Have a hard time looking at yourself....or couldn't...or couldn't look anybody in the eye.?
What about the pain you caused others...more guilt and shame beyond imagination ?
Did you have a "high cost of living low" ?
Did you think you just were a really sick puppy and just wanted to give up ?
And then after all of this did you think " just one more".
Some one ever tell you you had a disease....an obsession of the mind and the phenemon of craving so powerful it is beyond human aid..absolute powerlessness...defeat ...utter complete defeat....incomprehensible demoralization
ME TOO......This is what this blog is about
Today I didn't have a drink or crack pipe to my mouth all day and I loved being sober....no jonesing..no paranoia...no being a slave to a substance ....I enjoyed the day instead of running..I want to stay sober.
