It Began In Treatment..Chapter 1

Getting better for me began on 08/08/1988.

My first day in treatment in Memphis Tn....a 30 day residential facility where I initially surrendered and went in to get help. I wanted help. It had gotten so bad for me that, at the time, I didn't ever think it could have become worse....yet.

While there..I was introduced to the 12 step programs available to me and it was suggested that I attend these meetings and take these steps...I felt so much hope I cried. Although I couldn't figure out how this deal of recovery works, the people that worked there were recovering addicts and alcoholics..and they were happy and sober..some for over 20 years. Heck, I wasn't able to stay sober and clean any more than 30 days in the past 3 years.

It was also suggested that I hit my knees every morning and ask my God ( as I understood him).....to help keep me sober and clean and thank him at night.

Although skeptical..I complied because I remembered all of the pain I went through and knew I was beyond human aid.

It was suggested that my choices were ; A.) Continue to drink and use and eventually end up either in an institution ( where I was),jail, or die..OR .... B.) Pick up a toolkit of spiritual principles ( 12 steps) and practice them in all of my affairs.

After the board of directors that were running around in my mind debated...somehow B sounded better.

I complied with treatment....and I went to the meetings daily. I also met this man who said he was going to be my sponser. Now that was something I was not prepared for...but then I remembered the pain I went through.

Within the first 60 days of going to meetings...some with my friends from the treatment facility...4 people died because of alcohol and drugs that I knew...were these people at the meetings correct ?

My sponser took me through the first 8 steps and I felt hope and freedom....and I was sober.

My sponser became my confidant and friend like I never had before....all the bullshit that dug a hole in my gut started to go away and my new life sober was on its' way.

Sometimes spouses prefer that you use because they can control you...emotionally and monetarily..and my spouse was no different.

Although I had done the family great harm and put these people through hell on earth...it dawned on me " why is she still here "?.

I always thought she was sicker than me because she stayed with me through my using....even though I told her many times ..."take the kid and get out and run causee I can't stay stopped."

They have a 12 step program for spouses too...mine thought I was the whole problem so she wasw well .

Getting sober with a non treatable spouse ( alcoholism and addiction is a FAMILY disease I was told) can be hell on earth...but even my worse day in that house was better than the pain I went through....although I was reminded every day of what I had done in the past.

That's when my sponsor helped me the most...because he had gone through the same set of circumstances. He gave me hope and constantly helped me take care of myself....getting drunk or high would not make anything at home better.

Although I was clean..things around the house became quite bitter on both sides of the fence.

Counselors told me that if my spouse didn't get help...that statistics showed we would end up divorced....no way around it.

The yelling ...the guilt, shame and humiliation brought on by the onslought of terror from my spouse and her family told me I better get the hell out of there...but what about the child....plus I was comfortable with all of the shit that she was throwing for I knew of no other way to live than to be yelled at and told I was a piece of *&^%....I'm an addict and alcoholic....after awhile we get used to talk like this.

My sponsor kept helping through one emotional crisis after another.

I was so stubborn. I just wouldn't leave my kid...although she was getting sick of all of this too...only at the time I was too self centered at the time to care..

Meetings and more meetings...at meetings there is no chaos...just fellowship and help..

After 1.5 years of being clean and sober...my sponsor died of a heart attack.

The only best friend...real friend that I ever had in my life died.

God had a reason to take him...

More of my story later.....


Today, upon waking up, I hit my knees...asked God to keep me sober today. It feels good to go outside, look at the scenery, blue skies, and know that today I want to stay sober. Life is so different today. I've been through the houses...the Corvettes.. Jags.had 53 cars in my life...made big money...today I have a roof over my head...I can look at mountains,the ocean, have a quiet time with my Creator...know that I am just a whisp in time...know the difference between the spiritual and physical world....a saint...hell no...but for right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be...and it feels good.