Do You Relate To This ?

My Personal Story is in the blog  archive links located in the right panel or just scroll down this page for the chapters

It begins with the blog entry for March 26, 2008

FOREWARD:

Anybody ever told you that you had a problem with alcohol or drugs ?

Did you ever tell yourself " this time will be different..I'll only have 2"..Only to find out different.

Happened almost all of the time ?

Did you ever try to stop on your own...using everything and all the will power you could muster...only to use again ?

Did the thought of drinking and using absolutely become an obsession...where that's all you thought about ?

When you ran out of drugs....which they ALWAYS RUN OUT..did you go through any length to get more ?

When you ran out...did panic ,fear,hopelessness and worthlessness set in ?...how about hopelessness.

Did you want it all just to go away ?...Only it never did...

Did you ever blame someone else for your drinking and using ?

Did something good EVER happen to you when a cop pulled up behind you while you were drunk or high ?

When you drank or used...where "they" everywhere you looked...all looking at you ?

Ever get a promotion because you showed up at work high...or missed too many days because you were "sick".

Forget where your car...if you had a car...was ?

Ever pawn everything you could find for "just one more" ?

How about lying, cheating and stealing for " just one more" ?

Ever get tired of being called a loser... a real loser going nowhere. ?

Did you notice that no threat at all...no judge..no wife...no kids..nobody or anything could stop you when you on a "mission"?

Did you think you were crazy and just hopeless up beyond hope... a real Jekyyl and Hyde...?

Did you just go into the pit of incomprehensible despair...knowing you could never stop ?

Ever thought that "if only this or that happened" ?

Get tired of your family and friends giving up on you ?

Get tired of moving because you blew it one more time ?

Did you ever think..."If only I didn't stop there" ?

Did sometime you really wanted to stay stopped....but couldn't.

Tried detox...treatments..hospitals..12 steps..only to fail again...and again...and again.

Ever get sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

After all of this you still wanted "just one more" ?

After all of this...you wanted to die...but didn't have the guts....and you still wanted "just one more" ?

Did the days turn into months and the months into years and finnally you didn't know what happened to all of the time ?

Wasted time ? What about all of that guilt and shame ? Just won't go away.

Tired of people telling you " you could stop if you wanted to" ?

Ever wanted to tell people your addiction and alcoholism were like" take a box of e-lax and eating a can of beans fo two days..try not HAVING to go to the bathroom...that's how I feel when I'm not using or drinking ?

When I was a kid...when people asked me..What do you want to be ? I didn't reply..."A real alcoholic and addict"

Been profiled in court...you know picked on ...they don't understand....and the probation departments with the drops....make you feel like a real human being. Lawyers...they don't know shit..prosecutors are assholes living in the burbs....no one cares.

Ever try to go to sleep when those birds are waking up...and people are going to work...and you ran out of drugs and alcohol..with no place to go...cold outside...your "friends" used your dope and took your money and left you with ten cents...now ...do you think that is real pressure and you really have a problem ?

Did you ever just cry out " God help me"....please....then wanted "just one more" ?

Did you ever think the real problem was everybody else...only to "feel" it could be you.

Have a hard time looking at yourself....or couldn't...or couldn't look anybody in the eye.?

What about the pain you caused others...more guilt and shame beyond imagination ?

Did you have a "high cost of living low" ?

Did you think you just were a really sick puppy and just wanted to give up ?

And then after all of this did you think " just one more".

Some one ever tell you you had a disease....an obsession of the mind and the phenemon of craving so powerful it is beyond human aid..absolute powerlessness...defeat ...utter complete defeat....incomprehensible demoralization

ME TOO......This is what this blog is about

Today I didn't have a drink or crack pipe to my mouth all day and I loved being sober....no jonesing..no paranoia...no being a slave to a substance ....I enjoyed the day instead of running..I want to stay sober.

It Began In Treatment..Chapter 1

Getting better for me began on 08/08/1988.

My first day in treatment in Memphis Tn....a 30 day residential facility where I initially surrendered and went in to get help. I wanted help. It had gotten so bad for me that, at the time, I didn't ever think it could have become worse....yet.

While there..I was introduced to the 12 step programs available to me and it was suggested that I attend these meetings and take these steps...I felt so much hope I cried. Although I couldn't figure out how this deal of recovery works, the people that worked there were recovering addicts and alcoholics..and they were happy and sober..some for over 20 years. Heck, I wasn't able to stay sober and clean any more than 30 days in the past 3 years.

It was also suggested that I hit my knees every morning and ask my God ( as I understood him).....to help keep me sober and clean and thank him at night.

Although skeptical..I complied because I remembered all of the pain I went through and knew I was beyond human aid.

It was suggested that my choices were ; A.) Continue to drink and use and eventually end up either in an institution ( where I was),jail, or die..OR .... B.) Pick up a toolkit of spiritual principles ( 12 steps) and practice them in all of my affairs.

After the board of directors that were running around in my mind debated...somehow B sounded better.

I complied with treatment....and I went to the meetings daily. I also met this man who said he was going to be my sponser. Now that was something I was not prepared for...but then I remembered the pain I went through.

Within the first 60 days of going to meetings...some with my friends from the treatment facility...4 people died because of alcohol and drugs that I knew...were these people at the meetings correct ?

My sponser took me through the first 8 steps and I felt hope and freedom....and I was sober.

My sponser became my confidant and friend like I never had before....all the bullshit that dug a hole in my gut started to go away and my new life sober was on its' way.

Sometimes spouses prefer that you use because they can control you...emotionally and monetarily..and my spouse was no different.

Although I had done the family great harm and put these people through hell on earth...it dawned on me " why is she still here "?.

I always thought she was sicker than me because she stayed with me through my using....even though I told her many times ..."take the kid and get out and run causee I can't stay stopped."

They have a 12 step program for spouses too...mine thought I was the whole problem so she wasw well .

Getting sober with a non treatable spouse ( alcoholism and addiction is a FAMILY disease I was told) can be hell on earth...but even my worse day in that house was better than the pain I went through....although I was reminded every day of what I had done in the past.

That's when my sponsor helped me the most...because he had gone through the same set of circumstances. He gave me hope and constantly helped me take care of myself....getting drunk or high would not make anything at home better.

Although I was clean..things around the house became quite bitter on both sides of the fence.

Counselors told me that if my spouse didn't get help...that statistics showed we would end up divorced....no way around it.

The yelling ...the guilt, shame and humiliation brought on by the onslought of terror from my spouse and her family told me I better get the hell out of there...but what about the child....plus I was comfortable with all of the shit that she was throwing for I knew of no other way to live than to be yelled at and told I was a piece of *&^%....I'm an addict and alcoholic....after awhile we get used to talk like this.

My sponsor kept helping through one emotional crisis after another.

I was so stubborn. I just wouldn't leave my kid...although she was getting sick of all of this too...only at the time I was too self centered at the time to care..

Meetings and more meetings...at meetings there is no chaos...just fellowship and help..

After 1.5 years of being clean and sober...my sponsor died of a heart attack.

The only best friend...real friend that I ever had in my life died.

God had a reason to take him...

More of my story later.....


Today, upon waking up, I hit my knees...asked God to keep me sober today. It feels good to go outside, look at the scenery, blue skies, and know that today I want to stay sober. Life is so different today. I've been through the houses...the Corvettes.. Jags.had 53 cars in my life...made big money...today I have a roof over my head...I can look at mountains,the ocean, have a quiet time with my Creator...know that I am just a whisp in time...know the difference between the spiritual and physical world....a saint...hell no...but for right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be...and it feels good.

Relapse So Soon...Chapter 2

After my sponsor died...and my music career as I knew it ended...Which by the way the career did a good job of feeding my ego and that perhaps I thought I was more important than I really was. However I loved the music...the creating...the excitement of a good show, but the disappointments, rejection and time that go along with it...it's a big sacrifice.

When I left the business there was a big hole as I had devoted most of my life to creating, writing, and producing music.

I got a straight job after the career ended and it put me into the "making money" routine of life again. Acceptance and people liking me were all associated with me making money...I thought. The more I made...the more important I felt...the more people liked me. That equation was the equation of my life then.

I relapsed..pure and simple. Although I used the excuses and reasons like " my sponsor died, my wife is a *&^%$, job stinks sucks etc..." I used.

Back to hell one more time...only worse. I would go back to meetings...stay sober for 30-45 days...then use again. This cycle went on for as long as I could.

The absolute tormentl I put my family through didn't matter.. It took an 8 ball and 4 scotches just to cut the grass..I thought this might be a problem again...but I went forward in my disease and backward in my life.

The legal problems began...busted twice for possession but got off on technicality, or someone else would take the hit because of who I was.

The spouse had to take a job to support us and the tension was really brewing.

I kept going to meetings where I would get hope. Got a new sponsor and stayed sober 6-7 months.

During this sober time...my spouse decided that she had enough of me and was planning her way out of here. I don't blame her. Took her long enough. My sponsor re-iterrated to me countless times that it was all my fault...that I should kiss the ground she walked on.

There was no way...one day I called him and said " you live with her cause I can't".

Those were some real bad times..sober, and there were some great times sober, especially with the new friends I met.

There's enough of guilt and shame that goes along with using. I used for a long time..it was going to take a long time to recover. Just because I was clean does not mean that everybody will like me...or think that I am someone special....doesn't work that way, but I didn't need to be reminded every day either.

I was not a nice person...nor did my personality earn me a " Spouse of the Year Award".

I thought I was possessed by a nasty demon that wouldn't let go....

More Later....


Today I hit my knees and asked God to keep me sober. It's a beautiful day and a miracle that I woke up sober. I want to be sober. Met some new people at the meetings that I go to and they are just like me...loving life for loving life...being free today from the bondage.

It's something to be happy and peaceful inside.

The money equation I had lived by for so many years has dissipated and I am happy with what I have...it's exactly what I need.

I'm creating music again.

There's hope that I might be able to go back to school so I can supplement my Social Security Income...but for right now...it's OK.

She Told Me Leave.... Chapter 3

I thought that this was my plight in life....that if only I had an understanding spouse that I wouldn't use anymore....why I was still young, good looking, educated ,and I wanted what I wanted then and now...only sooner.

Somewhere down the line I became a different person than the person my parents raised. I became a different person on the inside. If Id didn't do something "dubious"...I meant to.

One day the disease of addiction would have me in it's grips...and another day I would be fine. One day I would get manic as all get out , which might last whatever...followed by depression where I didn't want to do anything...period.

However..

I remember many good days with my child when I was sober...fishing, cheerleading practice, teaching her how to drive and mainly watching her grow up into a young teenager. We were real close. We had a common enemy...her mother.

Of course there was the time she found a crack pipe in my pocket also.

I got into a serious car accident while working this straigt job I had at the time...selling hardware to builder...me of all people..selling hardware,lighting fixtures and designing closets. My ego wouldn't stand for it..for by this time I had accomplished some feats in my music career that others would never get a chance to. And I knew I could do better...much better...only here I was selling hardware.

A VP of the company I had worked for was driving and I was a passenger..the company was self insured and because of the potential liability I posed...I had suffered a head injury...I was let go..so they say. The truth is is that I went on a binge for 2 days and that's why I got fired.

Shortly thereafter, my father was diagnosed with liver cancer. I took my child with me and went and spent his last summer on this earth with him in my hometown in the Midwest.

That was a special time in my life. I remained sober and finally got to know the man. We had a strange relationship...he was perfect and I was no where near even being in the ballgame. He really was a good man. Worked hard his whole life...and when he retired..in 6 months he died.

When he died...they carried him down from the bedroom in a plastic bag....imagine that.You work your whole (*(*^%# ....do everything right...pay off a modest house..finally retire and get carried away in a plastic bag.

So that's what happens to all of us.......a plastic bag...hard to believe..it seemed so unfair to me. What about all of this God stuff I heard about ? How could He allow this to happen to my father ?

Well, inside I completely snapped, and knew I wouldn't recover from this one....not only alcohol and drugs...but emotionally.

I did a good job of " being strong" and " being there for my family" but on the inside I was ^$(@#*) up. So much fear raged on.

What was I to do now....when I was in a jam..I could always talk to my father. I never liked what he had to say..but somehow I knew he was saying things to me for my best interest, only I wouldn't listen...or didn't want to listen.

When I arrived back to the southern town that I had made my home...things got worse.

Even when I was sober..my emotions were on a roller coaster ride like I can't ever explain.....all the while I was trying to keep it cool on the outside.

I got back in the music business and traveled around the country.

Didn't see much of the family. but the excitement of the shows and people lured me on, and helped me forget about the pain.

During a show, I was in control....people paid good money to see the show and I controlled what they heard..power..prestige...ego.

Worst part about it was, was that I was extremely good at what I did. Seems like most alkies and addicts are good at what they do....comes with the territory.

The traveling helped me forget about my father...the extra- marital affairs that come with show business helped me forget about my wife.

At this time in our relationship, I had been beaten to a pulp so bad that I became a shell of who I used to be.

Of course it was a matter of time that the lure of women, drugs, and alcohol had me over the barrel again...especially being 1500 miles away from my spouse. I had a knack of sobering up before the tour bus hit home...In my mind I wanted to fool everyone that I was OK...I didn't fool anybody but myself.

The thing was...back in the day...my drugs were more or less "free" and the people I was in business with in a recording studio in this Southern town owned a liquor distributorship...so the booze was free...even the women were free.

The people who in control were sometimes construed by the public as being of dubious character. Maybe it was because they were indicted in a 1064 page indictment...but then I was a felon who got busted by the feds for selling sample band-aids across state lines ...plus the stories I had heard made me feel important. What an ego, more important to me was that I got a chance to forget who I was.

I would work in the recording studio for days on end . Music, music, and more music. During one stretch I worked 7 years in a row without a day off...including all holidays. Sometimes I would even go into the studio after the family went to sleep.

It occur ed to me and my partner that perhaps we could increase our profit margin if we sold drugs in the studio to the musicians...why we both had marketing degrees...it made perfect sense. So we did.

One night..our dubious partner called and said the studio was going to be raided.

I immediately bought pepper and put it all over the building...when I was done I told my partner to flush the shit.

He said "heck no, let's snort it".

I said that's a lot of ounces to snort...he said no problem...we'll cut some out and call everybody we know and we'll have a party.

So we did exactly that...one heck of a party.

During this " party" I had mistaken a 16oz tumbler of bleach for wine...( we used bleach to test our purity) and I guzzled the bleach.

Not a good idea.

I still have physical problems in my stomach because of this.

After working with whom I thought was the best singer at the time...and being successful..I felt this absolute hate of myself for what my life had become. I had finally " arrived" and I hated myself.

I was using more drugs than ever now. My mind seemed to be centered on getting more drugs. What seemed to be fun at one time, began to turn almost into a "job" . It was very hard for me to create without drugs..especially marijuana and crack. I wouldn't even think of working without them. I mean I was successful and I thought it was impossible for me to create without the drugs. But the truth of the matter was that I wanted to get high..I LOVED getting high and making music...then I just loved getting HIGH.

After numerous awards and recognition, I walked away. Figured the only way was down from where I was. The drugs and alcohol were really taking a toll.

Even the most notorious rock bands in the world members would say to me , "man, you got a problem".

To make matters worse the situation around the house got so bad that I left ( depending on who's side you were on...either I left or I was thrown out)...but the truth of the matter was that I left and moved back to my hometown.

I left that Southern town with a pair of shorts,t-shirt and an old beater for a car......after 26 years.

More Later

Today...I hit my knees and asked God to please keep me sober. I'm in a new town now and, although I am happy with everything, because of my disability and the failure of my investments in the real estate market, my wife must work to support night shifts to support us We don't know how long we will be here...and I am sure this situation is taking a toll on her. Going to meetings, making new friends in my 12 step program and talking to my sponsor back home is a real blessing also. There are so many people to help me ...if I will just pick up the phone ..or go to a meeting. Today I want to stay sober.

Long Time Coming.... Chapter 4

It's about a 10 hour drive from the Southern town I was leaving to my Midwestern hometown.

This trip seemed like forever.

Thoughts of the past 26 years kept going through my head.

How did I end like this ?

I mean, I wasn't raised this way. My parents did the best they could. I was a good kid. I had a little bit of an anger problem growing up and wanted things my way...and if I didn't get them..after I fussed..I accepted it.

We were a close knit family. I loved all members of my family. I would do anything for them. Granted my father and I didn't get along all of the time....but I respected and loved him. He was a good man. I just thought he didn't have any fun.

The little boy in me never really grew up and everything to me was a game. I liked it that way because I wouldn't have to feel anything. Feelings scared me. Fear of acceptance and fear of being yelled at were behaviors I learned very early on in my life. Fear of being "found out" for something I had done wrong and being beat by the parents was extremely prevalant.
So I just gave up and became a good kid.
But I sure did learn how to lie about myself and not stand up for myself early on.
And I learned that playing games, piano, anything..was good for me. That's the way I stayed out of trouble.
At that time in history...you were either drafted for Vietnam or went to college.

I lost 6 friends from high school in Vietnam and I concluded after much research and soul searching that the war was a political nightmare going nowhere..that countless lives were being lost for nothing...and that because of this war our economy and certain companies that contributed greatly to the powers to be, were making a lot of money off this war.

When my friends came home from the war, they told me it was the most stupid thing they ever saw. Their commander would tell them to advance their position...they would win the battle...and after awhile..retreat and do the same thing over and over.

I concluded that college was better than fighting people that really were nasty in the first place, and that I can better help my country if I helped the potential soldiers going and the vets coming back...and to protest the government.

I wasn't into the hippie movement or anything...I just thought our government was in it for the money.

My father wanted me to learn a trade like he did...so I went to college in a warm climate.

I helped out with my war efforts and protests and defended people before the draft board. I represented my state in advising congress concerning the lottery. Potential was written all around me.

I drank alcohol with the guys and didn't like the room turning in circles when I went to bed. I didn't like the vomiting either. It was all or nothing...either I got drunk or I didn't drink.

One night I drank till I was drunk and that's when I met my first wife. Something about a boy from the north hearing that southern accent for the first time. It was different so I pursued her till we got married.....against her father's advice that "I should get the heck out of here and go back home cause his daughter was just like her mother"....and according to him the ol' lady didn't qualify for any marital awards.

My parents and family were equally upset with me for my choice...so it made sense to me to get married. I thought everyone was wrong about everything anyway...

After I worked my way through college. I procurred a job and had an excellent career right after college.
Man I remembered those days.We bought a nice house in the burbs..had cars...enough money to do what we wanted,belonged to a Country Club, played golf whenever I wanted, took flying lessons..and still...my marriage was on the rocks most of the time. The more I tried to please her...the worse it got.

When I would drink alcohol, even 2 scotches, right away I was classified as an alcoholic, she just didn't understand.

I took comfort in other women after 6 months into the marriage...and although I felt guilty and shameful, I felt a man has got to do what he has to do.

My job took me travelling through 4 states and I relished that time alone and put my energy into my career.

Took flying lessons in another state...golfed on the expense account...had first class dinners with clients...and with their secretaries. I was living life, alone....very alone.

The movie Serpico was big at the time...so I bought an English Sheepdog as a companion around the house.

I played the piano at home and was still writing music. I had my own music room with a grand piano...except almost everytime I would play the piano...I was told by my wife not to play.

To keep peace...I would play when she wasn't around. By this time she really didn't trust me, so she didn't leave me alone...kinda like a security german sheperd.

We accidentally had a child after 7 years of not trying and I must say that my child was and is everything to me.

When I found out I had a daughter...I immediately called my fater and said " dad, I have a gril, what the heck do I do now ?" He calmly said that I would figure it out.

I promised when I saw my daughter...that I would NEVER HIT her like my parents hit me...and that I would always allow her to speak her piece....and that no matter what,,,,she would not have to be afraid of telling me anything.

That is one thing I did in my life right.

After one year....I decided to go into the music business full time and quit my high paying job...no thinking...no planning it out...no nothing...just do it.

Certain things really go on in your head while you are driving alone with just you, yourself, and you...I have been so good at lying to myself that I believed the lies.

My first trip in the music business led to using cocaine for for the first time because "I had to stay awake"...using marijuana to "chill", and mixing that with alcohol and valium. Of course there were the female background singers to contend with and I fell in love with one...after using qualudes for the first time.

I moved in with her for six months.

There was no way I was going back.

We used a lot of drugs at the time....daily...but you know the usual....only after 5 PM...

I really didn't like cocaine at the beginning...made me nervous and numb...but I liked marijuana a lot....and valium...well...that to me was the bomb..especially with some scotch.

We had investors that had no idea what we were doing..and we were making good music.

One early morning I walked out of the studio to get some air and I found this guy literrally laying in the gutter in front of the studio. He had a guitar strap around his shoulder..but no guitar. He was no drunk...but more or less maitaining a drunk that probably had lasted years. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a royalty check for 23k from a publisher, pretty talented individual. We remained friends for years and even sobered up a few times.

We had a group of musicians and talent that played on countless of gold albums.

We were doing good. Had a future. Even built a second studio and offices.

Then, one day, a well dressed man came to my office and told me that once was the MGM's studio across town ownere wanted me and my crew over there instead of where we were at.

I told him he was nuts. He then proceeded to tell me the benefits of hooking up with his client. All I was to do was to re-design his studio and update it and we would get 50% ,plus full use of his contacts....free liquor..whatever.

I called my lawyer, told him who was in my office, and he told me to take the offer now.

The new partners would even take care of finding suitable renters for my 2 studios.

How could I go wrong ?

After 7 months of construction we were back in business making cutting edge music. Excpet the trend had changed and our "type" of music wasn't in demand. Project after project failed. We tried everything. Still failure.

Cocaine, marijuana, heroin,alcohol and women became the norm for the crew.

Finnally, we cut three projects that gave us hope...they were different, good and ahead of their time. Name acts began renting out our services and we were becoming known nationally again.

Our spec projects were deemed works of art. Surely the hard work had begun to pay off.

I was treated very weel by my new partners and liked them, although I thought sometimes this was too good to be true.

What went wrong ? I kept asking myself as I drove...then the tears began and I had to stop a few times.
Good old self-pity. It arises at the lowest point..but you know I really didn't have any remorse..just the attitude "never give up". After a few tears..it was back on the road.

How did I get from there to here ? It's a question that was haunting me and would consume me for at least 100 miles.

I went back to my wife and child. I missed my child...period..and after talking to my father about my plight in life..he thought I needed to pull in the reins a little.

The federal government busted me on mail fraud charges stemming from me selling sample band-aids across state lines and I now became a felon.

Within months, the studio became bankrupt because of the felony plus our main client decided not to pay and my partner snorted up the rest of the money. The main investors got mad and pulled the plug.

A while back I took out a second mortgage from the bank on our house to finance some recording projects that were a "sure hit"...which flopped.Now the bank wanted their money. Everyone wanted money....and I didn't have any.

I failed miserably.


More Later..


Today I asked God to keep me clean and sober. I don't regret the past, because I feel that no matter how far down the scale I've gone, I might be able to help another addict-alcoholic. I don't I've used anymore than anyone else...or that I have a tragic story which helps me to feel sorry for myself. Today I am sober. I couldn't say that awhile ago. Today I want to stay sober. Many people helped me find God as I understand Him. It is only by His power that I am able to write or share my story with anybody. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Getting It All Straight.... Chapter 5

I thought I might have a problem with drugs...crack for sure..alcohol not really..marijuana..naw.

I recounted my first attempt at recovery in the Southern town.

I was on a binge...three or four days...I ended up pawning everything I could find, including my wedding band.

The fear of stopping...of the drugs running out...I just tried everything I knew to get more.

The guilt and shame of my failure as a human being I didn't want to face, the only way I could avoid it was to stay high.

How could I do this to myself again ? I had told everybody that I wouldn't !! I was strong ! I could lick this .

Time and time again, my wifes' family thought I was piece of &(*&^, that I was a loser. I hated them. Didin't they realize what I had done for THEM financially in the past ? How dare they.

I wanted to stay stopped with all of my might. I wanted to "show them".

I moved to a different area of the city...I ate a different diet..I attended a Baptist Church and had the hands on me treatment to expel the devil...I worked out..hung around different people..looked for different things to keep my mind occupied.

No matter what I did, I couldn't stay stopped for longer than a few weeks or months.

It seemed like I just HAD to get high on crack.

I cashed in the bonds for my child's education.

I gave away rights to songs I wrote for crack. I let drug dealers use the family car.

I got beat up by the dealers for harassing them for more.

Finally, during this binge, my drug dealers got fed up with me...got me a sleazy hotel room...GAVE me some dope..and then put a loaded gun on the bed...

When the drugs ran out...which they would...they informed me that there would be no more..period...hence the gun.

The drugs ran out and I stared at that gun for what seems like an eternity.

I got up and looked at myself in the mirror.

Up four days...eyes sunken in....45 lbs under my normal weight..Haven't eaten anything in four days...lips burned from the crack pipe...hands burned and blackened...I smelled and my shirts had burn holes in them.

The gun was an option, and a damned good one.

The thought of my family didn't enter into my mind while I was on this binge...I just wanted more. Where was my will and strenght. I had NONE.

Now..the drugs were gone...everything worth any money was gone. Even the drug dealers wouldn't sell to me anymore.

I had nowhere to turn...the gun or going on jonesing for more drugs.

Driving along the highway back to the Midwestern city that was my home that I grew up in..I couldn't help but think of the things that happened to me in the southern town. Strange when you're alone where your thinking will take you.

Borrowing money from my best friends at 3 AM , lying to them so I could get more crack. Driving around in sordid places looking for the dealers....only to get ripped off...again and again.

The absolute desperation, fear of running out, the guilt and shame.

The look in my child's eyes when her "daddy" would finally come home.

The time when I got busted for possession and my neighbor took the rap.

All of the people that tried to help me...and I ended up looking at a loaded gun.

I picked it up...played around with it a little...it was pretty heavy...but not as heavy as I was thinking.

My mind was racing...should I do it ?? Pull the trigger..it would end all...nothing more to fight..no more pain...I hated myself and what I had become anyway..there was nothing to live for..everyone I knew hated me...didn't want me around them....I didn't have a job anymore...everything I had worked for was gone...including me. How could I face anybody anymore ?? They knew I was lying.

I lied and cheated and connived from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep.

My wife hated me..she was sick of me. My child's "daddy" was gone.

Man that gun looked good.

I don't know really what happened, I had said "God help me" so many times that I gave up hope.

Why I even contributed to Rev. Tilton on TV and put my hands on the TV to get "saved" from this disease.

So my belief in God was just not there anymore. God had better things to do than to worry about me.

I went back to the mirror and looked at myself again..for whatever reason I said "God help me"...

The gun looked better after 15 more minutes cause I didn't get help. obviously my beleif in God was right..He had other things to do and furthermore how was He going to remedy this situation ?....and my body was hurting mand it was hutrting...let alone my mind going crazy.

I made a few calls to friends to come and get me...they had enough of me.

My wife had enough of me..however her sister was studying to be a counselor so my wife got in touch with her sister and she agreed to come and get me....provided I agreed to get some professional help.

I couldn't understand her cause she was married to a drunk and pothead herself..a rich one that got lucky in business..but still...why would I have to get help ??? What about him ? The only difference between me and him is that he drank his ass off and couldn't go anywhere cause he was drunk and didn't care cause he had all the money anyway.

To save money, he grew pot. I didn't grow anything...I just smoked it.

I just needed to get out of here, get some food, a shower, some sleep and I would be fine.

No deal unless I went to a treatment center.

I told her how could I go when I blew all the money and had no insurance...

She had found a place and told me that if they accepted me...that she would pay for it.

You know, that was a tough decision for me. Shoot myself or get help.

She talked me down of the idea of shooting myself and within minutes she was there to pick me up and transport me to my first treatment facility.

I couldn't believe it...my sister-in-law was the only one who understood what I really needed. Hlep.

As I was driving home and looking at the flatland and farms..I recalled that "treatment" experience.

They first told me 30 days...I said you're nuts..then they said you can leave anytime you want. I agreed to that.

They accepted me after a lengthy interview and my diagnosis was a crack addict, AND ALCOHOLIC. Crack yeah...but me any alcoholic...I only drank when I wasn't using..and I didn't like the taste or the hangovers associated with any alcoholic beverage, so I couldn't possibly accept the fact that I was an alcoholic...no (*&(&(*& %$&* way.

They gave me a book called Alcoholics Anonymous...told me to read it and everywhere I saw the word Alcohol in the book, I should substitute crack.

I interjected my opinion that I think that perhaps a pill or joint would work better on me than a book.

Then this man who was to become my first sponsor told me his story...nothing more. He was a real heroin and crack addict. Killed a lot of people over drugs, been wanted in over 40 states for drug related crimes and distribution..he worked part-time as a dealer to support his full time addiction. He was sober 17 years when I met him on 08/08/1988. That man was clean.. and you knew it..and you can tell there was something about him....some peace within. He went on to tell me that he eventually got a pardon for the crimes he committed..after serving some time. His whole story was an incredible transformation from a menace to society and himself to now helping others....and He didn't WANT ANYTHING from ME. That was odd.

He simply told me to read the book and to listen, nothing more. What did I have to loose. Nothing else worked.

Of course I had told him that my problems stemmed from my wife. That she was a %&^% and basically hated me and the horse I road in on.

He simply listened, smiled and said "read the book and listen"

I started reading the book....something happened. This book had me all over it. This book explained EXACTLY what I was going through...and that was in the PREFACE to the book.....the obsession of the mind...the phenonmen of craving...why that was ME!! So that is what is happening to me. I have a disease just like somebody has diabetes,,,only there is no shot to take...well how does this thing work ?

The book went on to explain some steps I have to take to stay stopped. They looked strange...I figured that those steps were probably meant for somebody else...but this obsession and craving...now this is me.

I went to meetings, like 3-4 a day in treatment and kept my mouth shut. The people that came in from the outside..AA's they called themselves were laughing..yet some of their stories sounded just like mine, and they were clean.

I had hope. Real hope and I just knew that I would stay clean and sober. I would sit there and count how old I would be when I had 30 years of clean time.

My wife and child came to visit me on visiting days and the counselors got a hold of her real fast and told her she should start getting help for herself...that this was a family disease. Of course she knew better and said it was my problem.

When I was released after 45 days, I felt great. The counselors informed me that if my spouse did not receive help...that the chances of our marriage staying together were slim and none....that in their opinion...she was a pretty sick puppy. I really didn't believe them...I was clean..was going to stay clean and that was our main problem.

Immediately when I was released from treatment, I went to meetings and I even called my sponsor.

Since I had a car...I would pick up some people I was in treatment with and take them to meetings. Within a week, one of them relapsed and died of an overdose. Another one died in 3 weeks ....he relapsed...got drunk and drove his car into a telephone pole going 70MPH.

I went to more meetings. I was sober 11 months...now that WAS unbelieveable...how could that be ???

However, things at home weren't any better. I was reminded of the past deeds and the ruin that my family was in because of my actions....sometimes daily,,,and the silent treatment sometimes for weeks on end.

I thought that in the best interest of my child...I should stay married anyway and just gut it out...that time heals pain and that somehow I would financially rebuild the family and THEN she would be happy again.

Traveling through the flatlands of the midwest I wondered if these people had the same problems ??

What a simple life they led...farming..church. family...looks like that's all there was to do. Ahh...the American Dream.

Wasn't that way for me.

Then I began thinking about what happened for me to get from being sober to going home a wrecked person.

After a while, my meetings dropped and the calls to my sponsor strted declining.

My home life was deterioating quickly and arguments were the norm. It was ALWAYS my fault for EVERYTHING..which some people said was true " if only I didn't do this" .."if only I had said this" if..if...if I.boy I still am sick of those words.

However in retrospect I was used to being a victim. I could blame others and self destruct in peace.

The obsession to use started very slowly...it wasn't on obsession to say...I just knew that SOMEDAY..I would use again..then the thought went away and I would stay clean. That thought scared the hell out of me.

It might take 3 months again...but the same thought came back...I would use again SOMEDAY...then the frequency of the thought came daily, hourly and THEN the obsession kicked in.

All of a sudden, my brain was telling me that "this time will be different". We'll just do a "little" and call it quits before anybody found out....that this obsession must be releived or I'll go nuts....I couldn't think of anything but the thrill of using...not the end result " because this time it will be different" but the thrill of the first bump.

One afternoon, I had about a three hour window where I wasn't supposed to be anywhere. I went to a meeting...but my mind was not on the meeting..it was on using..I didn't let anybody know...and as soon as that meeting was over...I used.

And this time it WAS different....I only used a "little" ( probably because I only had a "little money")

The next day was normal...nobody found out..and I wasn't telling anybody, especially the people at the meetings.

This lasted about one week...the thought of doing it again seemed so logical....I did it and no one found out...so what the hell....I got paid...I'll get a room and hang out for 3 hours again instead of going to a meeting. I'll tell the wife that I'm going to a meeting and coffee afterwards and my butt is covered. Absolutely no defense AT ALL against the thought.

I went through the routine...get the pipe, dope ,and room. Only this time the craving set in like I never felt before.
I knew I was in trouble again. Soon all of my money was gone..the time on the hotel was up and since I let the dope dealers use my car for 2 hours for some dope, I had to walk....and it was cold. To stay warm...I huddled under the dryer vents of a laundrymat.

Maybe those AA's were right afterall...maybe those steps were for me I had thought.

I finally arrived home to a welcome party given to me, by my wife, in my honor.

It was not pleasant. On top of that my sponsor did not want to work with me anymore because I didn't call him BEFORE I used. I told him why should I do that...you would have talked me out of it and I WANTED to use.

I immediately went to meetings again and met the best human being I have met up to then and asked him to be my sponsor. He agreed...within a week I had another skid..I again called him at 5 AM...and something strange happened...he didn't yell at me. He picked me up...went for breakfast...talked for hours about what happened and went to a meeting.

We started my journey on the steps and I was feeling good about MYSELF.

The home situation was deteriorating to the point of it being unbearable...but he had gone through the same trials..he had been divorced and remarried..all while maintaining his sobriety.

We spent every spare moment we had helping drunks and addicts. We would go to their homes, hospitals, and talk with them. I didn't think of me anymore...I was staying clean by helping others. I don't know how...but I was happy inside.

I started writing music again at home, I started playing golf again, fishing again, having a relationship with my daughter.So what if the wife still maintained her (*&(&* attitude...she was sick and she deserved the chance to get well too...thats what CT said and I believed him...However I started to set some of my own boundaries...for the first time and to say the least it wasn't easy, and it took a lot of practice. It didn't work.

CT died unexpectedly in MS. helping another drunk.

I lost it..after his funeral his wife had me come over to his house and get his clothes and whatever I wanted that belonged to him ..he had told her that I was his favorite " pidgeon".

I completely destroyed myself and self destructed and went on the skids again.

This time I ended up in a hospital because of the amount of checmicals I put into my system.

When I was released from their treatment program and was welcomed home again by my private welcoming committee that knew exactly what to say and when to say it...I lived at meetings again and picked up a former drill sargeant Navy guy for my sponsor.

I thought that I might need to gain a little more structure. It worked for awhile.

He was a firm believer that EVERYTHING wrong in my relationships were MY FAULT...period. I couldn't understand that concept.

One day, after a normal argument after dinner where it was pointed out to me that I was the cause of all of my wife's misery, I called my sponsor up and...let HIM listen to this abuse and told him to come here and "you live with this $#)%$*& cause I'm not."

Right after that, I went out and used again...and things got worse again.

I ended up in a pysch ward of the county hospital because I told the police I wanted to die and I was hearing voices.

Not good...

Psych wards and the police did not understand that I just wanted attention.....

They worked it out with my sister in the midwest that they would let me out if I would please leave the state and not return...for awhile at least.

Thank God for my sister....which is where I am heading now.

________________________________________________________________________

Today a miracle happened..I woke up and I didn't have to take a drink...nor hit the pipe or put anything in my viens. Today...and just for today I do not have to hurt, lie cheat or steal from anyone. Today I can enjoy the gift of life and the gifts of nature and the most important gift ever given to me...for one day..I am clean and sober.