Getting It All Straight.... Chapter 5

I thought I might have a problem with drugs...crack for sure..alcohol not really..marijuana..naw.

I recounted my first attempt at recovery in the Southern town.

I was on a binge...three or four days...I ended up pawning everything I could find, including my wedding band.

The fear of stopping...of the drugs running out...I just tried everything I knew to get more.

The guilt and shame of my failure as a human being I didn't want to face, the only way I could avoid it was to stay high.

How could I do this to myself again ? I had told everybody that I wouldn't !! I was strong ! I could lick this .

Time and time again, my wifes' family thought I was piece of &(*&^, that I was a loser. I hated them. Didin't they realize what I had done for THEM financially in the past ? How dare they.

I wanted to stay stopped with all of my might. I wanted to "show them".

I moved to a different area of the city...I ate a different diet..I attended a Baptist Church and had the hands on me treatment to expel the devil...I worked out..hung around different people..looked for different things to keep my mind occupied.

No matter what I did, I couldn't stay stopped for longer than a few weeks or months.

It seemed like I just HAD to get high on crack.

I cashed in the bonds for my child's education.

I gave away rights to songs I wrote for crack. I let drug dealers use the family car.

I got beat up by the dealers for harassing them for more.

Finally, during this binge, my drug dealers got fed up with me...got me a sleazy hotel room...GAVE me some dope..and then put a loaded gun on the bed...

When the drugs ran out...which they would...they informed me that there would be no more..period...hence the gun.

The drugs ran out and I stared at that gun for what seems like an eternity.

I got up and looked at myself in the mirror.

Up four days...eyes sunken in....45 lbs under my normal weight..Haven't eaten anything in four days...lips burned from the crack pipe...hands burned and blackened...I smelled and my shirts had burn holes in them.

The gun was an option, and a damned good one.

The thought of my family didn't enter into my mind while I was on this binge...I just wanted more. Where was my will and strenght. I had NONE.

Now..the drugs were gone...everything worth any money was gone. Even the drug dealers wouldn't sell to me anymore.

I had nowhere to turn...the gun or going on jonesing for more drugs.

Driving along the highway back to the Midwestern city that was my home that I grew up in..I couldn't help but think of the things that happened to me in the southern town. Strange when you're alone where your thinking will take you.

Borrowing money from my best friends at 3 AM , lying to them so I could get more crack. Driving around in sordid places looking for the dealers....only to get ripped off...again and again.

The absolute desperation, fear of running out, the guilt and shame.

The look in my child's eyes when her "daddy" would finally come home.

The time when I got busted for possession and my neighbor took the rap.

All of the people that tried to help me...and I ended up looking at a loaded gun.

I picked it up...played around with it a little...it was pretty heavy...but not as heavy as I was thinking.

My mind was racing...should I do it ?? Pull the trigger..it would end all...nothing more to fight..no more pain...I hated myself and what I had become anyway..there was nothing to live for..everyone I knew hated me...didn't want me around them....I didn't have a job anymore...everything I had worked for was gone...including me. How could I face anybody anymore ?? They knew I was lying.

I lied and cheated and connived from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep.

My wife hated me..she was sick of me. My child's "daddy" was gone.

Man that gun looked good.

I don't know really what happened, I had said "God help me" so many times that I gave up hope.

Why I even contributed to Rev. Tilton on TV and put my hands on the TV to get "saved" from this disease.

So my belief in God was just not there anymore. God had better things to do than to worry about me.

I went back to the mirror and looked at myself again..for whatever reason I said "God help me"...

The gun looked better after 15 more minutes cause I didn't get help. obviously my beleif in God was right..He had other things to do and furthermore how was He going to remedy this situation ?....and my body was hurting mand it was hutrting...let alone my mind going crazy.

I made a few calls to friends to come and get me...they had enough of me.

My wife had enough of me..however her sister was studying to be a counselor so my wife got in touch with her sister and she agreed to come and get me....provided I agreed to get some professional help.

I couldn't understand her cause she was married to a drunk and pothead herself..a rich one that got lucky in business..but still...why would I have to get help ??? What about him ? The only difference between me and him is that he drank his ass off and couldn't go anywhere cause he was drunk and didn't care cause he had all the money anyway.

To save money, he grew pot. I didn't grow anything...I just smoked it.

I just needed to get out of here, get some food, a shower, some sleep and I would be fine.

No deal unless I went to a treatment center.

I told her how could I go when I blew all the money and had no insurance...

She had found a place and told me that if they accepted me...that she would pay for it.

You know, that was a tough decision for me. Shoot myself or get help.

She talked me down of the idea of shooting myself and within minutes she was there to pick me up and transport me to my first treatment facility.

I couldn't believe it...my sister-in-law was the only one who understood what I really needed. Hlep.

As I was driving home and looking at the flatland and farms..I recalled that "treatment" experience.

They first told me 30 days...I said you're nuts..then they said you can leave anytime you want. I agreed to that.

They accepted me after a lengthy interview and my diagnosis was a crack addict, AND ALCOHOLIC. Crack yeah...but me any alcoholic...I only drank when I wasn't using..and I didn't like the taste or the hangovers associated with any alcoholic beverage, so I couldn't possibly accept the fact that I was an alcoholic...no (*&(&(*& %$&* way.

They gave me a book called Alcoholics Anonymous...told me to read it and everywhere I saw the word Alcohol in the book, I should substitute crack.

I interjected my opinion that I think that perhaps a pill or joint would work better on me than a book.

Then this man who was to become my first sponsor told me his story...nothing more. He was a real heroin and crack addict. Killed a lot of people over drugs, been wanted in over 40 states for drug related crimes and distribution..he worked part-time as a dealer to support his full time addiction. He was sober 17 years when I met him on 08/08/1988. That man was clean.. and you knew it..and you can tell there was something about him....some peace within. He went on to tell me that he eventually got a pardon for the crimes he committed..after serving some time. His whole story was an incredible transformation from a menace to society and himself to now helping others....and He didn't WANT ANYTHING from ME. That was odd.

He simply told me to read the book and to listen, nothing more. What did I have to loose. Nothing else worked.

Of course I had told him that my problems stemmed from my wife. That she was a %&^% and basically hated me and the horse I road in on.

He simply listened, smiled and said "read the book and listen"

I started reading the book....something happened. This book had me all over it. This book explained EXACTLY what I was going through...and that was in the PREFACE to the book.....the obsession of the mind...the phenonmen of craving...why that was ME!! So that is what is happening to me. I have a disease just like somebody has diabetes,,,only there is no shot to take...well how does this thing work ?

The book went on to explain some steps I have to take to stay stopped. They looked strange...I figured that those steps were probably meant for somebody else...but this obsession and craving...now this is me.

I went to meetings, like 3-4 a day in treatment and kept my mouth shut. The people that came in from the outside..AA's they called themselves were laughing..yet some of their stories sounded just like mine, and they were clean.

I had hope. Real hope and I just knew that I would stay clean and sober. I would sit there and count how old I would be when I had 30 years of clean time.

My wife and child came to visit me on visiting days and the counselors got a hold of her real fast and told her she should start getting help for herself...that this was a family disease. Of course she knew better and said it was my problem.

When I was released after 45 days, I felt great. The counselors informed me that if my spouse did not receive help...that the chances of our marriage staying together were slim and none....that in their opinion...she was a pretty sick puppy. I really didn't believe them...I was clean..was going to stay clean and that was our main problem.

Immediately when I was released from treatment, I went to meetings and I even called my sponsor.

Since I had a car...I would pick up some people I was in treatment with and take them to meetings. Within a week, one of them relapsed and died of an overdose. Another one died in 3 weeks ....he relapsed...got drunk and drove his car into a telephone pole going 70MPH.

I went to more meetings. I was sober 11 months...now that WAS unbelieveable...how could that be ???

However, things at home weren't any better. I was reminded of the past deeds and the ruin that my family was in because of my actions....sometimes daily,,,and the silent treatment sometimes for weeks on end.

I thought that in the best interest of my child...I should stay married anyway and just gut it out...that time heals pain and that somehow I would financially rebuild the family and THEN she would be happy again.

Traveling through the flatlands of the midwest I wondered if these people had the same problems ??

What a simple life they led...farming..church. family...looks like that's all there was to do. Ahh...the American Dream.

Wasn't that way for me.

Then I began thinking about what happened for me to get from being sober to going home a wrecked person.

After a while, my meetings dropped and the calls to my sponsor strted declining.

My home life was deterioating quickly and arguments were the norm. It was ALWAYS my fault for EVERYTHING..which some people said was true " if only I didn't do this" .."if only I had said this" if..if...if I.boy I still am sick of those words.

However in retrospect I was used to being a victim. I could blame others and self destruct in peace.

The obsession to use started very slowly...it wasn't on obsession to say...I just knew that SOMEDAY..I would use again..then the thought went away and I would stay clean. That thought scared the hell out of me.

It might take 3 months again...but the same thought came back...I would use again SOMEDAY...then the frequency of the thought came daily, hourly and THEN the obsession kicked in.

All of a sudden, my brain was telling me that "this time will be different". We'll just do a "little" and call it quits before anybody found out....that this obsession must be releived or I'll go nuts....I couldn't think of anything but the thrill of using...not the end result " because this time it will be different" but the thrill of the first bump.

One afternoon, I had about a three hour window where I wasn't supposed to be anywhere. I went to a meeting...but my mind was not on the meeting..it was on using..I didn't let anybody know...and as soon as that meeting was over...I used.

And this time it WAS different....I only used a "little" ( probably because I only had a "little money")

The next day was normal...nobody found out..and I wasn't telling anybody, especially the people at the meetings.

This lasted about one week...the thought of doing it again seemed so logical....I did it and no one found out...so what the hell....I got paid...I'll get a room and hang out for 3 hours again instead of going to a meeting. I'll tell the wife that I'm going to a meeting and coffee afterwards and my butt is covered. Absolutely no defense AT ALL against the thought.

I went through the routine...get the pipe, dope ,and room. Only this time the craving set in like I never felt before.
I knew I was in trouble again. Soon all of my money was gone..the time on the hotel was up and since I let the dope dealers use my car for 2 hours for some dope, I had to walk....and it was cold. To stay warm...I huddled under the dryer vents of a laundrymat.

Maybe those AA's were right afterall...maybe those steps were for me I had thought.

I finally arrived home to a welcome party given to me, by my wife, in my honor.

It was not pleasant. On top of that my sponsor did not want to work with me anymore because I didn't call him BEFORE I used. I told him why should I do that...you would have talked me out of it and I WANTED to use.

I immediately went to meetings again and met the best human being I have met up to then and asked him to be my sponsor. He agreed...within a week I had another skid..I again called him at 5 AM...and something strange happened...he didn't yell at me. He picked me up...went for breakfast...talked for hours about what happened and went to a meeting.

We started my journey on the steps and I was feeling good about MYSELF.

The home situation was deteriorating to the point of it being unbearable...but he had gone through the same trials..he had been divorced and remarried..all while maintaining his sobriety.

We spent every spare moment we had helping drunks and addicts. We would go to their homes, hospitals, and talk with them. I didn't think of me anymore...I was staying clean by helping others. I don't know how...but I was happy inside.

I started writing music again at home, I started playing golf again, fishing again, having a relationship with my daughter.So what if the wife still maintained her (*&(&* attitude...she was sick and she deserved the chance to get well too...thats what CT said and I believed him...However I started to set some of my own boundaries...for the first time and to say the least it wasn't easy, and it took a lot of practice. It didn't work.

CT died unexpectedly in MS. helping another drunk.

I lost it..after his funeral his wife had me come over to his house and get his clothes and whatever I wanted that belonged to him ..he had told her that I was his favorite " pidgeon".

I completely destroyed myself and self destructed and went on the skids again.

This time I ended up in a hospital because of the amount of checmicals I put into my system.

When I was released from their treatment program and was welcomed home again by my private welcoming committee that knew exactly what to say and when to say it...I lived at meetings again and picked up a former drill sargeant Navy guy for my sponsor.

I thought that I might need to gain a little more structure. It worked for awhile.

He was a firm believer that EVERYTHING wrong in my relationships were MY FAULT...period. I couldn't understand that concept.

One day, after a normal argument after dinner where it was pointed out to me that I was the cause of all of my wife's misery, I called my sponsor up and...let HIM listen to this abuse and told him to come here and "you live with this $#)%$*& cause I'm not."

Right after that, I went out and used again...and things got worse again.

I ended up in a pysch ward of the county hospital because I told the police I wanted to die and I was hearing voices.

Not good...

Psych wards and the police did not understand that I just wanted attention.....

They worked it out with my sister in the midwest that they would let me out if I would please leave the state and not return...for awhile at least.

Thank God for my sister....which is where I am heading now.

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Today a miracle happened..I woke up and I didn't have to take a drink...nor hit the pipe or put anything in my viens. Today...and just for today I do not have to hurt, lie cheat or steal from anyone. Today I can enjoy the gift of life and the gifts of nature and the most important gift ever given to me...for one day..I am clean and sober.