At the time I didn't know the significance of "God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself", but somehow I made it to my sister's house in the Midwest.
She is my older sister and I considered her the only person in the world that I could talk to and not get judged. More than that she had unconditional love and she "knew" the deal of pain and emptiness that an addict has without being an addict herself. She knew me.
We talked and it was decided for me that the best place for me to go and get my life together would be my mother's house. That's were I went.
My mother lived alone and at first she took me to meetings and waited. Of course I took that for granted at first....then I realized that my mother was really trying to help me with my addiction.
When I was growing up I guess you could say that I was a "mamas boy" . Don't really know why. She had high expectations of me and I really didn't feel like I measured up to them. To make matters worse I know I didn't measure up to my father's expectations of me...Lord knows I tried, or at least felt like I needed to measure up to both of their expectations. I had to deal, and am dealing with a lot of problems because of that. Low self-esteem....ahh the killer...the big excuse...low self esteem. But I truly felt like a piece of ^((**& most of the time in the Midwest or around my family.
To make matters worse for me, I came back a broken man with broken dreams. The" big shot "was absolutely a broken man in every sense of the word, and instead of being completely homeless with no job, no prospects of getting a job, an addict, a felon, my mother and family embraced me and took me in.
I went to meetings, and meetings and more meetings and I stayed sober, made new friends and SLOWLY began to FEEL different.
I remember walking up the stairs to the 12 step club that I first wen to too and the words " You're Not Alone Anymore" were staring me in the eye. I've seen that saying before...but this time it felt good.
Besides going to meetings, my life was getting better. My younger brother sold me his car and arranged a loan for me. I felt welcomed at his house and my sisters' house and I spent many hours there playing with my nephews nieces. I wasn't judged and the thought of using went away. I had no desire. Gone. I was free and it felt good. I started to get involved in the 12 step programs more and eventually was aked to speak at other clubs. I was helping others and not thinking of myself. Only an addict can understand the word "free" from the bondage of the thought of using again.
During this time, the Southern Belle that I was still married to was communicating with me again. Was there a chance of being with my wife and daughter again ?
Would I even THINK of it after what I had been through. Of course I would. I would make a few trips south to test the waters and see my daughter. I missed my daughter so much. She didn't get to know her father sober and clean...and I didn't appreciate her and her needs and her life and everything else that goes along being a father. The wife was luke cold to luke warm to the idea. She was " different".
A year went by and I was still sober and clean. Truly a miracle.
One day speaking at a club in the city, I made mention of my musical past. After I spoke, someone came up to me and suggested that I go to a meeting of recovering artists of all kinds. I'll never forget it. He said the meeting was on Sundays at 10:30 PM . Why that is such a perfect time for a musician.
I expanded my meetings and started to attend the artist meeting on Sunday.
One night someone came up to me and again suggested that I get some music equipment and start writing again.
I told him that it was impossible because of the cost of the equipment that I needed to accomplish this. He said at least TRY. I simply told him that I would keep it in mind.
It was snowing one day, and the job I had gave me a little freedom to run errands if I needed to, and on this particular day decided to go to the music store "just to look" . On top of that it was snowing and business was slow, so why not.
Before I went into the store...I said " Ok God, I'll try it".
I went into the store and touched a keyboard and instantly I knew how bad I missed the music. I looked at the equipment that I needed and priced it out. It was $ 3,000 to get started. It could have been a million because I didn't have any money.
I got in the car and start yelling at God. Got my hopes up for nothing. No money, no credit, absolutely no chance of getting the equipment.
There it was again. NO hope.
But something different happened this time. I didn't get loaded. Instead I went home.
Then another miracle happened.
My mother told me that my daughter had sent me letter.
I opened it up and she wrote me something like this " Dad, Mom throws your mail away. This looked important to me so I grabbed it out of the garbage ".
It was from Japan. I opened up the letter and a company in Japan wanted to license some masters (music) that I owned for distribution in Japan. They were going to pay me $3,000 now and royalties.
Now that is a miracle. This was no coincidence...no way.
I put the money in a CD...borrowed against the CD...to build my credit up and went and bought the equipment and started writing. You talk about feeling good.
It was the first time I was writing music sober and I was VERY concerned that I couldn't do it. Not only did I do it...I liked the music better..it was calm and soothing and it was flowing. Again another miracle.
I was still in contact with my sponsor in the south, and with my wife and my child.
My wife decided that IF I came back down there...she was willing to "date" me and I would have to get my own place, and that is as far as she would go.
To me it was better than nothing, besides I would see my child, and I knew that I could reconcile with my wife.
Against everyone in my family telling me that this was a huge mistake to even THINK of going back after what I've been through...I decided that I needed to give one more try...sober.
I packed up and went south...again.
I got a job as an advertising director for a fishing magazine within a week. I lived in an apartment behind my sponsor.
I went to meetings and I got to see my daughter and my wife.
I lived alone which I thought would be alright..but it wasn't. I talked to my wife and child on the phone everyday...but I couldn't see them when I wanted to.
My wife was now working for my brother-in-law, who was extremely rich having developed some patents on some medicine.
I was there about 2 months and only had "one date" with my wife....and absolutely no sex...that was out of the question.
I expressed my feelings that I wanted to try and reconcile this marriage and get a chance to see her more.
My daughter had indicated to me that my wife generally wasn't home on the weekend nights and my jealousy started to get in the way...I would tell myself that she wasn't seeing anybody else....why would she agree to try and reconcile and want me to come back if she was seeing another man ??? It didn't make any sense. When confronted by me she just said that she went out with the girls....that she needed space.
Me... I began to think this was b&(&&&, I gave up everything up north to come down here to " date "my wife....and on these " dates" all she talked about was her job and my brother-in-law. I was getting upset.
I went to more meetings and talked to my friends a lot.
Thank God I had my music equipment. I wrote music, went to meetings,stayed sober and clean.
My best friend while I was in the music business went on to be a Mortgage Broker in New York.
While talking to him one night, he suggested that I should go into the business with him and start a branch office in the south. My first thought was that I could now compete with my brother-in-law in the money thing....because I went to New York the previous year to visit and my friend was doing extremely well....rich as a matter of fact. Big house, big boat, Mercedes, all of it...in New York. This was just what I needed to get financially secure and put my marriage back together.
He came down and we talked and set up plans.The future looked bright. Surely my wife would reconcile and know that I am a changed man now....and soon to be with money...which was very important to her. How can she turn me down ?
And then it happened.
I got to spend the night with her. In the morning she said she had decided that she was getting a divorce and she thanked me for spending the night with her...that spending the night with her made it clear she wanted a divorce and she would go on to pursue my brother-in-law.....who was married.
I went to score. I knew not to...I knew it would mess me up more...but I did it anyway because I wanted relief NOW.
I tried to OD but it didn't work. I mean I tried. Then I remembered that Klonopin mixed with crack should do it.
I spent all of my money on crack...and I planned the last hit would be the one for me to check out...permanently.
I had nothing else to live for.....I got me a bottle of Klonopin, and finally the last BIG hit time came.
I took 30 pills...put a HUGE rock on the pipe and did it. I fell on my bed and started crying out loud and semi-convulsing. My body started to shake and hurt. I really did it this time....then I go scared cause I Knew I did it...
I called 911 and passed out. I woke up in the hospital and the Dr. asked me what I was trying to do... I told him that I was checking out of here because of my divorce.
They put me in a psych ward. I was a mess.
After a few days I called my sister and told her what had happened and she got me out of there provided I immediately packed up, stay clean, and come north and check into a hospital that she arranged for me.
I was on my way again up north. This time .....worse off than the last time.
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When I write this story...the " one more attempt" " this time will be different" insanity of my disease becomes so much more evident to me than ever before, I have sought and participated in that thinking for years....do goo...self destruct...I can do it again...it seems like no matter how much trouble or difficulties I put myuself in because of my addictions, I just want one more. Today, I am a miracle for I have not had a drink ,nor did I smoke crack, steal, cheated , or gambled.
