I thought that this was my plight in life....that if only I had an understanding spouse that I wouldn't use anymore....why I was still young, good looking, educated ,and I wanted what I wanted then and now...only sooner.
Somewhere down the line I became a different person than the person my parents raised. I became a different person on the inside. If Id didn't do something "dubious"...I meant to.
One day the disease of addiction would have me in it's grips...and another day I would be fine. One day I would get manic as all get out , which might last whatever...followed by depression where I didn't want to do anything...period.
However..
I remember many good days with my child when I was sober...fishing, cheerleading practice, teaching her how to drive and mainly watching her grow up into a young teenager. We were real close. We had a common enemy...her mother.Of course there was the time she found a crack pipe in my pocket also.
I got into a serious car accident while working this straigt job I had at the time...selling hardware to builder...me of all people..selling hardware,lighting fixtures and designing closets. My ego wouldn't stand for it..for by this time I had accomplished some feats in my music career that others would never get a chance to. And I knew I could do better...much better...only here I was selling hardware.
A VP of the company I had worked for was driving and I was a passenger..the company was self insured and because of the potential liability I posed...I had suffered a head injury...I was let go..so they say. The truth is is that I went on a binge for 2 days and that's why I got fired.
Shortly thereafter, my father was diagnosed with liver cancer. I took my child with me and went and spent his last summer on this earth with him in my hometown in the Midwest.
That was a special time in my life. I remained sober and finally got to know the man. We had a strange relationship...he was perfect and I was no where near even being in the ballgame. He really was a good man. Worked hard his whole life...and when he retired..in 6 months he died.
When he died...they carried him down from the bedroom in a plastic bag....imagine that.You work your whole (*(*^%# ....do everything right...pay off a modest house..finally retire and get carried away in a plastic bag.
So that's what happens to all of us.......a plastic bag...hard to believe..it seemed so unfair to me. What about all of this God stuff I heard about ? How could He allow this to happen to my father ?
Well, inside I completely snapped, and knew I wouldn't recover from this one....not only alcohol and drugs...but emotionally.
I did a good job of " being strong" and " being there for my family" but on the inside I was ^$(@#*) up. So much fear raged on.
What was I to do now....when I was in a jam..I could always talk to my father. I never liked what he had to say..but somehow I knew he was saying things to me for my best interest, only I wouldn't listen...or didn't want to listen.
When I arrived back to the southern town that I had made my home...things got worse.
Even when I was sober..my emotions were on a roller coaster ride like I can't ever explain.....all the while I was trying to keep it cool on the outside.
I got back in the music business and traveled around the country.
Didn't see much of the family. but the excitement of the shows and people lured me on, and helped me forget about the pain.
During a show, I was in control....people paid good money to see the show and I controlled what they heard..power..prestige...ego.
Worst part about it was, was that I was extremely good at what I did. Seems like most alkies and addicts are good at what they do....comes with the territory.
The traveling helped me forget about my father...the extra- marital affairs that come with show business helped me forget about my wife.
At this time in our relationship, I had been beaten to a pulp so bad that I became a shell of who I used to be.
Of course it was a matter of time that the lure of women, drugs, and alcohol had me over the barrel again...especially being 1500 miles away from my spouse. I had a knack of sobering up before the tour bus hit home...In my mind I wanted to fool everyone that I was OK...I didn't fool anybody but myself.
The thing was...back in the day...my drugs were more or less "free" and the people I was in business with in a recording studio in this Southern town owned a liquor distributorship...so the booze was free...even the women were free.
The people who in control were sometimes construed by the public as being of dubious character. Maybe it was because they were indicted in a 1064 page indictment...but then I was a felon who got busted by the feds for selling sample band-aids across state lines ...plus the stories I had heard made me feel important. What an ego, more important to me was that I got a chance to forget who I was.
I would work in the recording studio for days on end . Music, music, and more music. During one stretch I worked 7 years in a row without a day off...including all holidays. Sometimes I would even go into the studio after the family went to sleep.
It occur ed to me and my partner that perhaps we could increase our profit margin if we sold drugs in the studio to the musicians...why we both had marketing degrees...it made perfect sense. So we did.
One night..our dubious partner called and said the studio was going to be raided.
I immediately bought pepper and put it all over the building...when I was done I told my partner to flush the shit.
He said "heck no, let's snort it".
I said that's a lot of ounces to snort...he said no problem...we'll cut some out and call everybody we know and we'll have a party.
So we did exactly that...one heck of a party.
During this " party" I had mistaken a 16oz tumbler of bleach for wine...( we used bleach to test our purity) and I guzzled the bleach.
Not a good idea.
I still have physical problems in my stomach because of this.
After working with whom I thought was the best singer at the time...and being successful..I felt this absolute hate of myself for what my life had become. I had finally " arrived" and I hated myself.
I was using more drugs than ever now. My mind seemed to be centered on getting more drugs. What seemed to be fun at one time, began to turn almost into a "job" . It was very hard for me to create without drugs..especially marijuana and crack. I wouldn't even think of working without them. I mean I was successful and I thought it was impossible for me to create without the drugs. But the truth of the matter was that I wanted to get high..I LOVED getting high and making music...then I just loved getting HIGH.
After numerous awards and recognition, I walked away. Figured the only way was down from where I was. The drugs and alcohol were really taking a toll.
Even the most notorious rock bands in the world members would say to me , "man, you got a problem".
To make matters worse the situation around the house got so bad that I left ( depending on who's side you were on...either I left or I was thrown out)...but the truth of the matter was that I left and moved back to my hometown.
I left that Southern town with a pair of shorts,t-shirt and an old beater for a car......after 26 years.
More Later
Today...I hit my knees and asked God to please keep me sober. I'm in a new town now and, although I am happy with everything, because of my disability and the failure of my investments in the real estate market, my wife must work to support night shifts to support us We don't know how long we will be here...and I am sure this situation is taking a toll on her. Going to meetings, making new friends in my 12 step program and talking to my sponsor back home is a real blessing also. There are so many people to help me ...if I will just pick up the phone ..or go to a meeting. Today I want to stay sober.
