After my sponsor died...and my music career as I knew it ended...Which by the way the career did a good job of feeding my ego and that perhaps I thought I was more important than I really was. However I loved the music...the creating...the excitement of a good show, but the disappointments, rejection and time that go along with it...it's a big sacrifice.
When I left the business there was a big hole as I had devoted most of my life to creating, writing, and producing music.
I got a straight job after the career ended and it put me into the "making money" routine of life again. Acceptance and people liking me were all associated with me making money...I thought. The more I made...the more important I felt...the more people liked me. That equation was the equation of my life then.
I relapsed..pure and simple. Although I used the excuses and reasons like " my sponsor died, my wife is a *&^%$, job stinks sucks etc..." I used.
Back to hell one more time...only worse. I would go back to meetings...stay sober for 30-45 days...then use again. This cycle went on for as long as I could.
The absolute tormentl I put my family through didn't matter.. It took an 8 ball and 4 scotches just to cut the grass..I thought this might be a problem again...but I went forward in my disease and backward in my life.
The legal problems began...busted twice for possession but got off on technicality, or someone else would take the hit because of who I was.
The spouse had to take a job to support us and the tension was really brewing.
I kept going to meetings where I would get hope. Got a new sponsor and stayed sober 6-7 months.
During this sober time...my spouse decided that she had enough of me and was planning her way out of here. I don't blame her. Took her long enough. My sponsor re-iterrated to me countless times that it was all my fault...that I should kiss the ground she walked on.
There was no way...one day I called him and said " you live with her cause I can't".
Those were some real bad times..sober, and there were some great times sober, especially with the new friends I met.
There's enough of guilt and shame that goes along with using. I used for a long time..it was going to take a long time to recover. Just because I was clean does not mean that everybody will like me...or think that I am someone special....doesn't work that way, but I didn't need to be reminded every day either.
I was not a nice person...nor did my personality earn me a " Spouse of the Year Award".
I thought I was possessed by a nasty demon that wouldn't let go....
More Later....
Today I hit my knees and asked God to keep me sober. It's a beautiful day and a miracle that I woke up sober. I want to be sober. Met some new people at the meetings that I go to and they are just like me...loving life for loving life...being free today from the bondage.
It's something to be happy and peaceful inside.
The money equation I had lived by for so many years has dissipated and I am happy with what I have...it's exactly what I need.
I'm creating music again.
There's hope that I might be able to go back to school so I can supplement my Social Security Income...but for right now...it's OK.
