Long Time Coming.... Chapter 4

It's about a 10 hour drive from the Southern town I was leaving to my Midwestern hometown.

This trip seemed like forever.

Thoughts of the past 26 years kept going through my head.

How did I end like this ?

I mean, I wasn't raised this way. My parents did the best they could. I was a good kid. I had a little bit of an anger problem growing up and wanted things my way...and if I didn't get them..after I fussed..I accepted it.

We were a close knit family. I loved all members of my family. I would do anything for them. Granted my father and I didn't get along all of the time....but I respected and loved him. He was a good man. I just thought he didn't have any fun.

The little boy in me never really grew up and everything to me was a game. I liked it that way because I wouldn't have to feel anything. Feelings scared me. Fear of acceptance and fear of being yelled at were behaviors I learned very early on in my life. Fear of being "found out" for something I had done wrong and being beat by the parents was extremely prevalant.
So I just gave up and became a good kid.
But I sure did learn how to lie about myself and not stand up for myself early on.
And I learned that playing games, piano, anything..was good for me. That's the way I stayed out of trouble.
At that time in history...you were either drafted for Vietnam or went to college.

I lost 6 friends from high school in Vietnam and I concluded after much research and soul searching that the war was a political nightmare going nowhere..that countless lives were being lost for nothing...and that because of this war our economy and certain companies that contributed greatly to the powers to be, were making a lot of money off this war.

When my friends came home from the war, they told me it was the most stupid thing they ever saw. Their commander would tell them to advance their position...they would win the battle...and after awhile..retreat and do the same thing over and over.

I concluded that college was better than fighting people that really were nasty in the first place, and that I can better help my country if I helped the potential soldiers going and the vets coming back...and to protest the government.

I wasn't into the hippie movement or anything...I just thought our government was in it for the money.

My father wanted me to learn a trade like he did...so I went to college in a warm climate.

I helped out with my war efforts and protests and defended people before the draft board. I represented my state in advising congress concerning the lottery. Potential was written all around me.

I drank alcohol with the guys and didn't like the room turning in circles when I went to bed. I didn't like the vomiting either. It was all or nothing...either I got drunk or I didn't drink.

One night I drank till I was drunk and that's when I met my first wife. Something about a boy from the north hearing that southern accent for the first time. It was different so I pursued her till we got married.....against her father's advice that "I should get the heck out of here and go back home cause his daughter was just like her mother"....and according to him the ol' lady didn't qualify for any marital awards.

My parents and family were equally upset with me for my choice...so it made sense to me to get married. I thought everyone was wrong about everything anyway...

After I worked my way through college. I procurred a job and had an excellent career right after college.
Man I remembered those days.We bought a nice house in the burbs..had cars...enough money to do what we wanted,belonged to a Country Club, played golf whenever I wanted, took flying lessons..and still...my marriage was on the rocks most of the time. The more I tried to please her...the worse it got.

When I would drink alcohol, even 2 scotches, right away I was classified as an alcoholic, she just didn't understand.

I took comfort in other women after 6 months into the marriage...and although I felt guilty and shameful, I felt a man has got to do what he has to do.

My job took me travelling through 4 states and I relished that time alone and put my energy into my career.

Took flying lessons in another state...golfed on the expense account...had first class dinners with clients...and with their secretaries. I was living life, alone....very alone.

The movie Serpico was big at the time...so I bought an English Sheepdog as a companion around the house.

I played the piano at home and was still writing music. I had my own music room with a grand piano...except almost everytime I would play the piano...I was told by my wife not to play.

To keep peace...I would play when she wasn't around. By this time she really didn't trust me, so she didn't leave me alone...kinda like a security german sheperd.

We accidentally had a child after 7 years of not trying and I must say that my child was and is everything to me.

When I found out I had a daughter...I immediately called my fater and said " dad, I have a gril, what the heck do I do now ?" He calmly said that I would figure it out.

I promised when I saw my daughter...that I would NEVER HIT her like my parents hit me...and that I would always allow her to speak her piece....and that no matter what,,,,she would not have to be afraid of telling me anything.

That is one thing I did in my life right.

After one year....I decided to go into the music business full time and quit my high paying job...no thinking...no planning it out...no nothing...just do it.

Certain things really go on in your head while you are driving alone with just you, yourself, and you...I have been so good at lying to myself that I believed the lies.

My first trip in the music business led to using cocaine for for the first time because "I had to stay awake"...using marijuana to "chill", and mixing that with alcohol and valium. Of course there were the female background singers to contend with and I fell in love with one...after using qualudes for the first time.

I moved in with her for six months.

There was no way I was going back.

We used a lot of drugs at the time....daily...but you know the usual....only after 5 PM...

I really didn't like cocaine at the beginning...made me nervous and numb...but I liked marijuana a lot....and valium...well...that to me was the bomb..especially with some scotch.

We had investors that had no idea what we were doing..and we were making good music.

One early morning I walked out of the studio to get some air and I found this guy literrally laying in the gutter in front of the studio. He had a guitar strap around his shoulder..but no guitar. He was no drunk...but more or less maitaining a drunk that probably had lasted years. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a royalty check for 23k from a publisher, pretty talented individual. We remained friends for years and even sobered up a few times.

We had a group of musicians and talent that played on countless of gold albums.

We were doing good. Had a future. Even built a second studio and offices.

Then, one day, a well dressed man came to my office and told me that once was the MGM's studio across town ownere wanted me and my crew over there instead of where we were at.

I told him he was nuts. He then proceeded to tell me the benefits of hooking up with his client. All I was to do was to re-design his studio and update it and we would get 50% ,plus full use of his contacts....free liquor..whatever.

I called my lawyer, told him who was in my office, and he told me to take the offer now.

The new partners would even take care of finding suitable renters for my 2 studios.

How could I go wrong ?

After 7 months of construction we were back in business making cutting edge music. Excpet the trend had changed and our "type" of music wasn't in demand. Project after project failed. We tried everything. Still failure.

Cocaine, marijuana, heroin,alcohol and women became the norm for the crew.

Finnally, we cut three projects that gave us hope...they were different, good and ahead of their time. Name acts began renting out our services and we were becoming known nationally again.

Our spec projects were deemed works of art. Surely the hard work had begun to pay off.

I was treated very weel by my new partners and liked them, although I thought sometimes this was too good to be true.

What went wrong ? I kept asking myself as I drove...then the tears began and I had to stop a few times.
Good old self-pity. It arises at the lowest point..but you know I really didn't have any remorse..just the attitude "never give up". After a few tears..it was back on the road.

How did I get from there to here ? It's a question that was haunting me and would consume me for at least 100 miles.

I went back to my wife and child. I missed my child...period..and after talking to my father about my plight in life..he thought I needed to pull in the reins a little.

The federal government busted me on mail fraud charges stemming from me selling sample band-aids across state lines and I now became a felon.

Within months, the studio became bankrupt because of the felony plus our main client decided not to pay and my partner snorted up the rest of the money. The main investors got mad and pulled the plug.

A while back I took out a second mortgage from the bank on our house to finance some recording projects that were a "sure hit"...which flopped.Now the bank wanted their money. Everyone wanted money....and I didn't have any.

I failed miserably.


More Later..


Today I asked God to keep me clean and sober. I don't regret the past, because I feel that no matter how far down the scale I've gone, I might be able to help another addict-alcoholic. I don't I've used anymore than anyone else...or that I have a tragic story which helps me to feel sorry for myself. Today I am sober. I couldn't say that awhile ago. Today I want to stay sober. Many people helped me find God as I understand Him. It is only by His power that I am able to write or share my story with anybody. Nothing changes if nothing changes.